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    • Maya Stiles Parsons Spier

      Columnist, Editor-in-Chief
    • March 4, 2016 in Columnists

    Peeves — and while I’m on a roll here…

    I don’t have pet peeves; I have whole kennels of irritation.
    Whoopi Goldberg

    There are a few things in the world that annoy me, a whole lot of things that make me shoot flames (never mind steam, I’m past that) out my ears, but mostly, I have peeves. Let me annoy you with a few of those, in no particular order:

    Young women, you are not tree frogs. This relatively new phenomena of “vocal fry” (Wikipedia Vocal Fry Register link) is awful. Honestly, you sound like a pond of mating amphibians and it is not good. While there are people who will staunchly defend your right to speak any way you want — and they have a point — this is not a natural voice and it sounds terrible. Our natural voices — whatever they normally sound like — are beautiful. Vocal fry is an affectation. Britney Spears croaks her way through a whole lot of her songs. It’s ghastly. It sounds like fingernails on a blackboard. Go to YouTube and search for Vocal Fry. Hear for yourself. Not. Frogs. Not. Frogs.

    Don’t dump your full drinks into the garbage, people. Think for a moment about the folks who have to pick up that bag at the end of the day. A) Those bags are heavy when filled with liquid and b) those bags are flimsy. Would you like to be the person who has that bag explode all over you — and the floor — at the end of a long work day? It happens more often than you think. Trust me, the staff wherever you are would be quite happy to dump that liquid out for you. They will, in fact, be grateful.

    Recycle, people. Just do it. I keep a recycle bin maintained at work and if I had a nickel for every time I fished recycling out of the garbage can right next to the that bin, I would be retired on the Riviera right now. Seriously? It’s Right Fecking There! Oh, what, would you have had to dump out the liquid and rinse? Oh, poor little booboo, the burden! The anguish! It must hurt! Grow up. Use the recycle bin. It’s there because you were too fecking lazy to walk down the hall to the main bins. Next thing you’ll want me to hold the tissue when you blow your nose — or worse…

    Tailgating – seriously? You’re fecking herding me with your car? Dude, I do the speed limit. Too bad you got unlucky and now you’re behind me. No, I’m not going to go any faster because you’re riding my ass, although if you pass me like the schlemiel (From the Wikipedia article on Yiddish — schlemiel: an inept clumsy person; a bungler; a dolt (Yiddish שלעמיל shlemil from Hebrew שלא מועיל “ineffective”) (OED, MW)) you are you are likely to discover that the person ahead is the reason I’m going that slowly and now you’re stuck between them and me. And if you get a ticket for being a schlub (From the Wikipedia article again — schlub: a clumsy, stupid, or unattractive person (Yiddish זשלאָב zhlob ‘hick’, perhaps from Polish żłób) (OED, MW)), that will be me cackling gleefully as I trundle past you, ya little mamzer (Wikipedia — mamzer: bastard (from Yiddish or Hebrew ממזר) (OED)). (Wikipedia on words we’ve all heard in Yiddish)

    Yes, people were ruder when I was fat, but they're still rude

    Yes, people were ruder when I was fat, but they’re still rude

    Tech people who come in and, without looking to see if the person they’re after and I are already talking, start speaking as if I am not there. I mean literally, not there. Nonexistent. Also, as if whatever on earth I was saying to that person could not possibly have any importance. It was worse when I was fat, but it hasn’t gone away, so I don’t think that was all of it. Grow up and get some manners. Learn to say “excuse me.” I am not kidding. Next time, I could very well go all red belt on your ass and that wouldn’t do at all, now would it? (I do need the practice, though.)

    People who like Donald Trump. Now this edges right into the flames blasting out the ears territory. This narcissistic, sociopathic beast has no redeeming value whatsoever unless you value his bearing a horrifying ideological similarity to Hitler. Get your Fascist, racist misogyny right here, folks! Won’t cost nothin’ more than your soul. It bears mentioning that Hitler did a great job of whipping up the levels of hatred in the great uneducated, willfully decorticate set to hellish effect, the consequences of which are still rippling throughout the planet. I don’t need to quote Trump, either (I might hurl in the process, anyway). All you have to do is Google “Trump misogyny” or “Trump racism” or Trump and anything ugly and you’ll find it. He starts spewing and every stupid, hate-filled, uneducated, brainless pit viper in human skin sits up and starts hissing ecstatically because one of their own — albeit a rich version — has captured the Republican lead and if he wins, it’ll be open season on everyone they hate — and that’s everybody who isn’t just like them.

    Thing is, these people don’t know what real hate looks like. They hate and hate, but it’s mainly theoretical. If they had the wit to look, they would do well to see the sick aftermath in Germany when the ordinary Germans who had drunk Hitler’s kool-aid woke up and were forced to face the consequences of their choices. Modern day US decorticates wouldn’t be able to face it, either, but they’re too high on that giddy death cocktail Trump is selling to see it.

    So yeah, if you like and support Donald Trump for president of these here YOOnited States, you aren’t just a peeve. You’re a peeve at the very top of my list. It just packs more punch at the end of the column. Get a brain and dump the bastard or, if he wins on account of you, live with the consequences you’re too fecking blind to see right now — along with the rest of us.



    • Oh, that “voice fry” thing annoys the HELL out of me! Take a nap if you’re so damn tired! We have Kim Kardashian to blame for that. (Google it – I’m not kidding!)
      As for Trump…. oh, woe is US… woe is U.S. … should he be elected. His popularity makes me want to hide in a cave on a remote mountain. THIS is what we’ve become? It is shameful.

        • Maya Spier Stiles North

        • March 4, 2016 at 10:04 pm
        • Reply

        Donald Trumpitis is painful on so many levels, not the least of which is that he has exposed the agonizing truth that so many of us are no better than the people who supported Hitler with equal enthusiasm. And vocal fry? Ribbit. Seriously. It makes me want to scream.

      • Lashawnde Johnson

      • March 4, 2016 at 6:15 pm
      • Reply

      I love Donald Trump’s wife. Saw her on CNN and she is the most beautiful woman. She will make a great first lady when the country gets great again.

        • Maya Spier Stiles North

        • March 4, 2016 at 10:07 pm
        • Reply

        She may be physically beautiful but I have no clue whether she has TRUE beauty — of heart and spirit. Beautiful bodies mean nothing in the face of it. And I of course cannot discern your race, but pay careful attention to the fact that the African American students were herded out of one of his rallies. The man hates women and people of other ethnicities and faiths. Make the country great? That’s what the Germans thought when they rallied around Adolph Hitler — and we know how that turned out.

      • Jesse Loren

      • March 5, 2016 at 10:38 pm
      • Reply

      All are irritating. I might add the sound of people eating. I hate to hear mouth sounds. Everything on your list is perfect, and the vocal fry thing just sounds so tired. It’s as if all women are fecking exhausted and forgetting to breathe. Maybe they need a big cheeseburger and a shake? They sounds so powerless and asthmatic when they fry. Gross. I thought of one more type to add… people who mistreat animals. They are the worst.

        • Maya Spier Stiles North

        • March 5, 2016 at 11:54 pm
        • Reply

        My daughter absolutely cannot abide that sound. It literally nauseates her. Doesn’t bother me a bit, but my ability to filter out annoying stuff is pretty decent — all but one mosquito voiced woman at my work who natters incessantly about not much and that voice is so piercing. As for vocal fry — if you listen to some songs, the singer will do that to imply deep feeling (kind of ridiculous — I wonder if that’s where it started?). I was stuck in a gondola with just such a one and had to listen to ribbit ribbit whine whine ribbit ribbit all the way to the top of a mountain. Oy. People who mistreat animals make me homicidal — that would be a column all of its own. Perhaps we should each write one…and make it a real skin-stripper…

      • Eileen

      • April 25, 2016 at 9:45 am
      • Reply

      Having just stumbled upon your writing by way of googleage of ‘getting thin after being fat’) I now see that I enjoy your writing, thoroughly.

        • Maya Spier Stiles North

        • April 25, 2016 at 10:36 am
        • Reply

        Why thank you kindly! 🙂

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