• author
    • Donald Sanders

    • June 6, 2016 in Columnists

    A little advice for the younger set

    I’m worried about the wellbeing of the next generation. Up until today, I’ve always held faith that our young will always do the right thing when it needs to be done, without hesitation. Nah, that ain’t the case anymore. Lately I’m thinking that there isn’t a set of brains to be shared among the whole lot of them. Today’s kids are pretty smart when it comes to school stuff but when it comes to common sense, they are severely lacking.

    Yesterday I happened to look at the back seat of a young man (no names) who’s been a friend of the family for some time. There, in front of God and everybody else, sat an open bottle of Fireball Cinnamon Whisky and a small bag of tiny plastic cups. It wasn’t a small bottle either –a half-gallon! I thought, “What the Hell is wrong with these kids?”

    I reached in and took the bottle and immediately went to confront him about it. There he was in the kitchen with his other goofy friends, laughing and telling goofy kid jokes. I couldn’t wait to light into this kid and it wasn’t for my benefit but his. I got right in his face and said, “What the hell are you doing driving around with an open bottle of this swill?” He looked at me kinda dumb like.

    So then I start telling this group of young men the way things are and what will happen if you drive around with crappy whisky in your back seat. I told them they might get away with such behavior for a while but eventually the cops will get wind of it. Not only will you get pulled over and accosted by the police but when they see the crappy brand of whisky you drink, well, let’s just say they are not going to be happy. Any good cop will tell you that cinnamon whisky is not worth confiscating.

    Not only that, they will get in your face, grab one hand and cuff it and to make matters even worse, they will grab your other hand and cuff it too. They will not be gentle either. They will write you a DUI right there on the spot, throw you in the back of their squad car that smells like pee, then they will throw you into jail with the guys that peed in the back of the cop car.

    That’s where the fun really begins. When you regain consciousness, you can beg your parents to bail you out and that will cost them plenty. After that, your dad will have to take you to the impound yard to get your car by paying an impound fine and at least 30 days’ worth of storage. Once you get all of that done, you’ll have to find someone to drive your car home because you no longer have a driver’s license.

    You will find yourself walking everywhere you go, which includes the court house, because when all is said and done, the cost of that crappy bottle of whisky will be close to $16,000.00. Now who’s the dummy?

    Do not despair. Things will get worse for you as you grow older and more mature like me. Fortunately, I have some good advice I can give you because I am older and have made a whole lot more mistakes than you have. You can take heed or not — I don’t really care.

    I’ll spell it out for you to make it easy:

    • Never fall in love. If you are inclined to do so, just cut your own arm off because it will hurt less.
    • Never get married. Instead of marrying someone, just go out and find the girl that you absolutely hate the most and buy her a house.
    • Never, under any circumstance take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
    • Prepare for the worst but expect the best.
    • When nothing goes right, go left.
    • The worst day of your life is actually the worst day of your life so far.
    • The trick to being a good liar is the ability to convince others you are a bad liar.
    • Instead of filling your drink with ice at a fast food restaurant, fill it with toilet water it is cleaner.
    • If your health fails, be nice to the nurses because they will keep the doctors from killing you.
    • Don’t be open minded because your brains will fall out.
    • Don’t throw your girlfriend’s underwear where your other girlfriend will find them.
    • Finally, I have some advice for the young ladies just like my grandpa told me a long time ago, “Calm ur tit – just one tit – leave the other one crazy and out of control – that ur party tit.”

      • Maya Spier Stiles North

      • June 10, 2016 at 9:19 pm
      • Reply

      Donald Sanders, I happen to know you love your wife to absolute distraction, so what on earth is up with the first two line items of your final advice? And young ladies’ tits (either one of them) are nobody’s business but their own.

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