• A Break-up Letter to Insomnia

    by David Lacy

    Dear Insomnia,

    I think we should see other people. It’s not you; it’s me.

    No, hold on – you know what? It is you.

    You take and you take and you take and to make matters worse, you’re not very good in bed.

    Sorry, but it’s true. Someone had to say it.

    We’ve had a tumultuous run for a while now and I just can’t see things working out between us. We both seem to want different things at this point. For instance, you want to keep me up all night with your incessant nagging about all of the mundane and trivial stresses in life, and I just want to shut up and get some sleep.

    I don’t care about the ten errands I have to run on my way to work in the morning; it’s 3 in the morning for goodness sakes!

    I’m tired of lying to friends and co-workers about how I got the black circles under my eyes. “Are you not sleeping much?” they inquire worriedly. “No,” I assure them. “I simply tripped down a flight of stairs and fell on top of two telescopes. I’m such a klutz.”

    Also, you’re a night person; I’m a morning person. We’ve never really “gelled” that way.

    Let’s get back to that “not very good in bed” comment I made a moment ago, since in reality that’s the issue at the heart of all of this. You’re a “go-all-night-with-little-to-show-for-it” kind of lover whereas I’m usually looking for the kind of less-than-kinky bedroom experiences that leave one refreshed and energized in the morning. Honesty, I don’t even mind if we keep our eyes closed and the lights off.

    I really do hope that you find a future relationship that you find mutually rewarding, but I fear that until you learn to be a little less dependent you’ll drive most people away. I can see you getting tangled in a string of intense but painful partnerships that repeatedly end in you getting hurt. I hope you awaken to the reality of your behavior sooner rather than later.

    I can’t say I’m going to cherish the time we spent together, but I can say it’s been an eye-opening experience.

    • Trazadone did it for me David as well as thinking about the ocean crashing down on the sand. Hope this distasteful lover leave you sooner than later or you live it.

    • You are clearly the bigger person here.
      You’re better off without her.

      I sometimes have a one night stand with Ativan.

      • Christy

      • March 6, 2011 at 9:06 am
      • Reply

      Insomnia is such an evil bitch. I swear, I bet she’s pushed millions to drink, abuse drugs, and heck even murder. I know a nice girl, her name is meditation, or her friend yoga…but ultimately you just have to keep trying…there are plenty of nights in the sea??? huh?

    • LOVE the line about “you’re not very good in bed!”
      Great column!

      • Norbie Kumagai

      • March 6, 2011 at 10:28 am
      • Reply

      I have lost count of the number of times I have heard this line, “I think we should see other people. It’s not you; it’s me.”

      I really enjoy meeting several of your friends David (Chris & Greg, Donia, Debra, Sivan…) but if its, ok with you (nothing personal), I will pass on your friend Insomnia.

      • Hank Fradella

      • March 6, 2011 at 10:46 am
      • Reply

      I tried to end my relationship with insomnia repeatedly, but the psycho-hose beast would not go away! These days, a gal named Gabby (short for Gabapentin, although when out on the town, she sometimes goes by her stage name, Neurontin), has given me the strength to keep the bitch vanquished. If insomnia keeps coming ’round after you breakup, I recommend that you take Gabby on a few dates.

      • David

      • March 6, 2011 at 11:07 am
      • Reply

      Hank, let me know if Gabby is down to swing!

    • fabulously brilliant.

      • David Lacy

      • March 6, 2011 at 4:21 pm
      • Reply

      Thank you Amy. That means a lot.

      • Sue

      • March 6, 2011 at 4:23 pm
      • Reply

      Excellent satirical wit!

      • Theresa

      • March 6, 2011 at 6:38 pm
      • Reply

      Perfect satire!
      I adore the direction you took with this. Hilarious, and surprisingly comparable! Bravo, my friend, and of course, good luck!

      • Suzy

      • March 6, 2011 at 11:28 pm
      • Reply

      Insomnia is not just an evil bitch, it can also be a bastard. I know him well…If it is only a bitch then my hubby is going to be surprized I’m cheating on him with a evil bitch.LOL Valerian Root can make that bastard go somewhere else. I just hope it is to someone as bad as him.

      • Kathleen

      • March 7, 2011 at 6:59 am
      • Reply

      An Amazing ‘Swell’ of wit ~ love your writing

      I read much~enjoy all~seldom comment~ this was brilliant

      • David Lacy

      • March 7, 2011 at 9:42 am
      • Reply

      Thank you Kathleen! That means a lot to me.

      • Ana F.

      • March 7, 2011 at 1:34 pm
      • Reply

      Batting a thousand these days David!

    • Na trazadone gave me nightmares that are far worse than my normal ones. Clonazepam is far better but it gives me a hangover. What you need is alcohol and a sleezy woman. You’ll sleep like a baby but your wallet will be missing in the morning.

      • Jesse

      • March 8, 2011 at 8:11 pm
      • Reply

      LOVED IT!

      Insomnia, I’ve been trying to quit you!

    • Hey, I found your old partner. You can have him/her/it back.

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