by David Lacy

Dear Insomnia,

I think we should see other people. It’s not you; it’s me.

No, hold on – you know what? It is you.

You take and you take and you take and to make matters worse, you’re not very good in bed.

Sorry, but it’s true. Someone had to say it.

We’ve had a tumultuous run for a while now and I just can’t see things working out between us. We both seem to want different things at this point. For instance, you want to keep me up all night with your incessant nagging about all of the mundane and trivial stresses in life, and I just want to shut up and get some sleep.

I don’t care about the ten errands I have to run on my way to work in the morning; it’s 3 in the morning for goodness sakes!

I’m tired of lying to friends and co-workers about how I got the black circles under my eyes. “Are you not sleeping much?” they inquire worriedly. “No,” I assure them. “I simply tripped down a flight of stairs and fell on top of two telescopes. I’m such a klutz.”

Also, you’re a night person; I’m a morning person. We’ve never really “gelled” that way.

Let’s get back to that “not very good in bed” comment I made a moment ago, since in reality that’s the issue at the heart of all of this. You’re a “go-all-night-with-little-to-show-for-it” kind of lover whereas I’m usually looking for the kind of less-than-kinky bedroom experiences that leave one refreshed and energized in the morning. Honesty, I don’t even mind if we keep our eyes closed and the lights off.

I really do hope that you find a future relationship that you find mutually rewarding, but I fear that until you learn to be a little less dependent you’ll drive most people away. I can see you getting tangled in a string of intense but painful partnerships that repeatedly end in you getting hurt. I hope you awaken to the reality of your behavior sooner rather than later.

I can’t say I’m going to cherish the time we spent together, but I can say it’s been an eye-opening experience.