A few things I don’t like
by Donald K. Sanders
There are many, many things that I don’t like so I’m going to get right at it. Okay, my grandson, Anthony. That kid can make me so angry sometimes. Don’t get me wrong, I totally love the kid, but he’s not a hugger and I want to hug him really, really bad. It’s the things he can do that I don’t like.
For instance, Anthony came to visit my wife and I for a couple of weeks this summer. On the first day of the visit he tells me, “I’m bored.” Well I have the cure for boredom right in the middle of my desk: my computer. I reach over, push the on button, and the thing starts whining. I click on the game “Bejeweled 2”. A game that I am somewhat proficient at — I have a top score of 59,000, or something like that.
So we’re sitting there waiting for the game to download when he says, “I think I’ll take a nap — call me when the game comes on.” “Why you little twerp,” I thought. “You’ll never beat my score at this game, I’m the champ,” I say. The champ!
“Well, what if I use the force?” he says as he finally sits down at the keyboard. The game comes on. Anthony shakes his head and snickers when he looks at the list of top scores. At the top of the list was, “Bogwan Don-28,000 points.”
“What does Bogwan Don mean?” he asked. “Oh, that’s a name I used to make your father call me before he could get his dinner,” I says. I explained that his father doesn’t call me that anymore since he has grown up and can make his own dinner.
Anyway, I made it clear that I thought he would never beat my high score. Never! He looks up at me and says, “Never calculate too quickly on the possibility of me not beating your score before the poultry is thoroughly materialized.” I said, “What?” He said, “Never count your chickens before they are hatched.”
Now, I was doing the pee dance so I made a beeline for the bathroom. I was gone for about 30 seconds. When I got back, he was watching a Sponge Bob cartoon. I looked at the computer and the screen was blank. I says, “What happened, Anthony?”
Well it turns out that he had printed out his score sheet for me. He had a score of like a million points.
“Dammit,” I said.
I looked at the blank screen on the computer. I had never seen the computer do anything like that before. There I was looking at it and scratching the top of my head when my grandson says, “I think somebody wiped your C-drive grandpa.”
I just couldn’t take it any more so yesterday I logged on the Facebook, with my laptop, and posted this entry, which was an out and out lie: “Yea, I finally beat Anthony’s score on Bejeweled 2!” What the heck, nobody will ever know, right?
There are other things I don’t like as well. My brain, bless it, keeps sending me out impulses and refining ideas all by itself so I can keep on doing the stuff that I do and occasionally say something really clever. I feel the photons entering my brain via my hair follicles.
I’ll make it simple and make a list of things I don’t like:
• So, what if for once in my life, I wrote something really profound and someone stole it? I wouldn’t like that at all.
• The City of Winters won’t let me put a toll both in front of my house.
• If I ever go back in time, I wouldn’t be able to explain how we take pictures with pixels instead of film.
• Every construction company in town, along with the city fire department, takes all the water they want from my fire hydrant and never pays me a penny!
• Everybody keeps deleting my comments on Facebook.
• I don’t like the fact that there is over a hundred million dollars missing from the UN imposed “Oil for Food” program in Iraq, and I never got a penny of that either.
• I don’t like the fact that I have solved the mystery of what dark matter consists of, the evolutionary origins of sex, whether “free will” exists, and I know why placebos actually do work. Yet still, no one will listen to me.
If you would like a complete list of things that I don’t like, simply send a dollar to urasucker.com.