- April 4, 2015 in Columnists
A little well tested advice for the graduating class of 2015
I would like to offer some well tested advice to the graduating class of 2015. So, now you are thinking to yourself, “What makes him think he is qualified to offer advice to our children and who does he think he is?” Let’s take a look at what an advisor really is, so don’t be too quick to judge.
An advisor is a counselor. Yeah, I can do that. An advisor is also a mentor, a consultant and a guide. All of which, I am. I consider myself the Guru of letting others do what I want them to do. In the old days, they called me Bogwan Don. As a matter of fact, I’m thinking I would make a great advisor to the next President of the United States.
If you take a moment to think about that, you’ll see I am absolutely right. Okay, even if every bit of advice that came out of my mouth was absolutely wrong and was the farthest thing from the truth as it could be, I could not be any worse than those who preceded me.
The President of the United States is constantly given the wrong advice by those who are close to him. This is true of each and every President from beginning to end. Presidential decisions are rarely formulated by just one person. Reaching a sound conclusion depends on sharing opinions and negotiating an outcome. Okay, for you French guys, that means you have a bunch of advisors who do nothing but give you advice. Then you decide what to do based upon their suggestions.
Most Presidential advisors are highly educated intellectuals who can never come to a decision on their own and, in fact, change their minds with every gust of wind in any direction. This has been proven over and over, throughout history. The only steady advice a President can count on comes from the military guys and we all know what they will advise.
So who does a President listen to? Well, lately the Presidents have been listening to the Corporation big boys. This is a mistake, if only for the fact that most modern armed conflicts are not between countries but between companies and corporations. Any heeded advice from that sector would certainly favor American companies.
Anyway, back to the advice for the graduates of 2015. This advice comes from my vast experience in life along with the observation of the behavior of others. That being said, the first thing I will tell you is to be aware that people will give you advice about how to behave, but these same people do not even heed their own advice. However, don’t worry about that with me because I will give it to you straight up – I am the Guru of words – The Bogwan.
• In public, always try to be kind and sometimes even talk to those who are beneath you, but in private just ignore them. Never give them money – they are just drunks.
• Always try to look important. Remember, that’s important – not impotent. They are not the same. If you look important and act important people will think you are doing important things.
• If someone is around, you can offer help to the needy
• Make up stories to make yourself look good and others bad. Sometimes I offer help to others and then never do it. Another thing I do is lie about it and say I did.
• You can tell people you are sad because your mom dumped you in an orphanage or put you in a dumpster. Others will feel sorry for you and treat you a lot nicer than they normally would.
• Never do obscene things around women unless you think it will get you some sex.
• If you are going to tell a lie, tell one that is very long and involved because chances are the person you are lying to will get bored and forget what you said anyway.
• Never call a woman the “C” word. My nose is “S” shaped for that very reason.
• Never have an affair with your best friend’s wife. If you do have an affair with your best friend’s wife, do not let your best friend find out. If he does find out, move to California and if you are already in California, move to Illinois.
• Change your underwear at least twice a week and wear cologne every day so people will think you bathe regularly.
• Never volunteer, but if you do get caught up in something like that, tell them you need to work alone so you can loaf most of the time behind a tree or a bush. If you cannot work alone – fake a sore back.
• Never make fun of people of color or Jews. If you must make fun of someone – make fun of the Muslims. You can say whatever you want about them.
Remember, these pieces of advice are pretty flexible. If you don’t have time or don’t want to do any of them, you can always lie and say you did. As a matter of fact you can lie about everything and nobody will care in the least. Look at me. Everyone knows I’m a liar and they don’t seem to care. That’s right – everybody lies and if they say they don’t, they’re lying.
Oh, two other things: If you want to make someone look bad, calling them a witch or gay doesn’t work anymore. The only thing that does seem to work is saying, “He’s a terrorist!”
I’m out of room for now, but for $79.50 an hour I can tell you much, much more. Believe me, it cost me a lot more than that to learn these tidbits of learning.
One last thing: Always love those who are close to you. There is no guarantee that they will be there tomorrow.