A sneak peek at my novel
by Gary Huerta
This week, I’m pleased to give you a sneak peek at my novel, “DIVORCE – A survival guide for men.” The book is slated for release in October.
Each chapter of the book provides a rule, which one may find helpful in navigating the waters of divorce. The first 11 rules provide tips to those who are not yet married in the hopes that they can avoid a divorce and the ugliness that goes with it. This is Chapter 2.
NEVER PROPOSE DURING SEX
I know. The notion of saying, “Will you marry me,” while you are balls deep making your orgasm scrunchy face sounds like an incredibly romantic notion. But there’s more to the scene than a close up of your toes curling in ecstasy.
Let’s go to the tape.
You’ve excused yourself from the intimate lasagna and chianti dinner party your girlfriend’s roommate was throwing so she could meet your single buddy. She’d eventually marry him and live happily ever after to throw more salt in the wound, by the way.
You retire to the bedroom and quietly slip into bed. You can still hear the sounds of your friend and her roommate doing dishes, laughing and practicing domestic bliss.
You picture yourself as George Clooney with the perfect lighting and soundtrack.
We cut to a soft montage of you kissing your girlfriend’s lips, moving your way south, and rolling your tongue around the edge of her tiny nipples.
There’s a hard cut of you facing her mom. The audience is uncertain of whether the matriarch has passed the litmus test or you’ve said, “Fuck it”, and thrown caution to the wind because in a few minutes you’ll be eating something a lot better than pasta casserole.
Maybe it’s the chianti – you prefer vodka. You’re out of your element.
But in the heat of the moment with the light and the wine and your feeling every part the movie star in your own romantic comedy, you stop and look deep into her eyes.
“Will you marry me?” you ask.
And this is where you need the director to yell, “Cut!”
But since there’s no director available, I’m here to save you. Leave this scene on the cutting room floor. Trust me. Like I said, it may seem like a good idea at the time and you may be thinking someday you’ll be able to tell your kids the romantic story of how you proposed to their mom while you were making love, but it won’t happen that way.
First of all, who wants to know that dad proposed to mom balls deep with his dick in a place that could get you executed in some middle eastern countries. Eww. Your kids are never going to think that’s romantic, unless you live in Arkansas and the person you are proposing to is your sister.
Side note: if that’s the case, I suppose you already know what her mother is like.
Second, doesn’t this classify as the number one example of thinking with your dick? Yes, it does so don’t do it.
A lot of unpredictable shit in life happens in the heat of the moment. You forget how to play the song you practiced during you recital. You lose your wallet in Acapulco. You wet-fart in the middle of a business meeting. Those things are random.
Proposing to your girlfriend during sex is a premeditated and unmitigated disaster.
There is no going back from there. What are you going to say? “Hey, I was pretty wasted when we were fucking last night. You know, with the wine and everything. How ‘bout we forget all about that wacky proposal thing?”
I don’t’ think so. You will have to live with that. And what is “that” you ask?
All through your engagement, and the telling of your friends and family, and the planning of the wedding, and all the days leading up to the moment, and even during the ceremony when you are standing on the altar before God himself, you are going to replay that one scene over and over and over in your head. You’ll fast forward through dinner scene and foreplay montage and pause right at the kill shot from the book depository window. You’ll stare at the frame where your eyes went weepy and your penis spoiled it all by saying something stupid.
Once you are married you will reconcile it by saying you probably would have proposed to her in some other way although every so often the little nagging voice in your head will pop up after a couple of fingers of single malt scotch asking, asking, asking.
“Dude, are you certain you would have proposed some other time?”
And you won’t respond to the cross-examination because the answer is kind of awful 14 years later.
So let me tell you what you should do if there is still time. Do the dinners. Do the drinks. Do the romantic evenings with the foreplay and the nipple kissing. Be George Clooney and light candles and play Serge Gainsbourg softly in the background. It’s all good and part of the fun of being single. When you’re deep into your relationship, most of that shit vaporizes into the same old position with the traffic report on in the background so you might as well enjoy it when you can.
Just do yourself a huge favor and resist the temptation to say the one thing you can never take back.
RULE 2 (if applicable): Don’t say anything life-changing during sex.
What could possibly go wrong after that?