Above the law
by Donald K. Sanders
There are those among us who are above the law. We all know who they are, and we’re all pissed off about it. Who the heck do these people think they are? They think they can do anything and nothing will happen to them. Sometimes I can’t believe some of the crap they do and get away with it.
I’m going to step into the shoes of one guy we all know, and play like I did what he did at certain points in his life. I’ll spell it out for you and then you can be the judge as to whether I get away with it. This stuff is all true, every bit of it. Here we go:
• After high school I go to college and flunk out twice. (Not a crime, but it says a lot about my character)
• In 1962, I get a DUI and in 1963 I get a second one. I don’t care!
• When I turn 18, I’m eligible for the draft (mid ‘60s) at a time when the draft board is taking everyone except married medical students. I apply for and receive five deferments. (Do you know how hard it was to get even one deferment? Next to impossible!) Every time I flunk out at school I get a notice to report to the draft board so I apply for a deferment and the dumb bastards give me one. Not only one, but four in a row. How dumb are they? Finally, I get tired of their crap and apply for a permanent exemption from military duty stating that my wife is gonna get pregnant. The dumb guys give it to me. I was given a 3-A status, the “hardship” exemption for free! How dumb is that? How can a rich guy have hardships? Oops! She lost the baby! Twenty years down the road, the Washington Post asked me why I didn’t get drafted so I say, “I had different priorities other than military service.”
• In 1969, I go to work for Richard M. Nixon in the Office of Economic Opportunity. Yeah, my opportunity. He who controls the money controls all, right?
• From there I go to the Cost of Living Council. Now I’m in, so I come up with a number of tricky solutions to underhanded problems of various Presidents. I am now the come-to guy when trouble knocks on the door. Some of my solutions are not exactly legal, but who’s counting, right?
• In 1976, I run President Ford’s re-election campaign. He loses.
• I am then elected as congressional representative for some loser state, I forget. I win that seat five times because I want it.
• In 1988 I am appointed Secretary of State because another guy couldn’t get approval. Ha.
• I vote against the creation of the Department of Education because I need the money for something else. “It’s an encroachment on state’s rights,” I say.
• I don’t like Head Start either.
• In 1986 I vote against economic sanctions for South Africa because of apartheid. (Take that, Black people!) I say, “They almost never work.” Congress believes me! Man, I never thought that one would work.
• In 1986, I, along with 145 Republicans and 31 Democrats, voted against a non-binding Congressional resolution calling on the South African government to release Nelson Mandela from prison, after the Democrats defeated proposed amendments that would have required Mandela to renounce violence sponsored by the African National Congress (ANC) and requiring it to oust the Communist faction from its leadership; the resolution was defeated. Appearing on CNN, I address criticism for this, saying I opposed the resolution because the ANC “at the time was viewed as a terrorist organization and had a number of interests that were fundamentally inimical to the United States. I say, “I was afraid they would blow up the world!”
• I get a Federal Energy Commission building named after me.
• 1989, I get nominated for Secretary of Defense. I get 100 percent approval from Congress. Those suckers owe me, right? We invade Panama for some dumb reason. I forget. We invade the Middle East and kick some butt. I get a medal from my bud, “W.”
• In four years, I make the United States the munitions dealers to the world!
• Man, I’m not going to get into the dirty stuff I did after that, because you’re too dumb to understand anyway. I only got caught once, and it cost me $500 million to get out of it. I got Halliburton to pay for it. Ha ha.
• Whatever. Next, I shoot a guy in the face with a shotgun and don’t report it to the public for three days. Top that one. Oh, I outed a CIA operative too. Got away with that too, because Lewis “Scooter” Libby took the wrap for me. I told him Bush would pardon him. RRright!
• In 2002, I get to be Acting President of the United States while Bush gets a butt operation.
• Next, I define the meaning of torture! Got away with that too.
• The whole time I’m working for the government, I’m setting up no-bid contracts for Halliburton (I own part of it) worth billions of dollars. We don’t even have to fulfill the contracts. How dumb is that?
So by now, you know who I am and of course you will have to agree that I’m above the law. Whatever, I don’t care. I’m going to live forever. I can get a heart transplant whenever I want. When I die they’ll have to beat my heart to death. Ha Ha.
OK, I’m back in my shoes now.
Well, there you have it in a nutshell. I don’t have enough room to write about all the crap this guy did and got away with. When it comes to real crimes against the public, the worst crimes are committed by those who understand the law better than most. They can bend it. They can break it. They can make new ones that they can break as well.
If you’re not upset by all this, then you are way far past ever having an honest government. Way past.