• According to my research, Michelle Obama is Satan’s gal pal

    I friended someone on Facebook a few months ago. We were buddies for life up until two weeks ago because she did not like the fact that I detested her constant comments about how Sandy Hook Elementary was a CIA conspiracy. She told me to do my research.

    Some of  the friends I know in “real life” believe that fluoride in the water is part of a massive eugenics project to sterilize and control the human race. The Nazis somehow infiltrated the US government, convinced the bureaucrats to put fluoride in the water, and are waiting for everyone to drop dead so they can take over the United States.

    Despite fluoride being exhaustively researched and countless hours of actual scholarship on dental health, they scolded at me to do my research.

    Then there’s the one conspiracy to rule them all: 9/11.

    I went on a date with a woman who was my co-worker at the pharmacy. We cuddled on her couch at her apartment. She suggested since I liked politics so much and shared disdain for George W Bush I would like a movie called “Loose Change.” “Loose Change” is a documentary — in the loosest sense of the word — providing colorful conjecture on possible inconsistencies on the official reports surrounding the day of 9/11/01. The movie’s theories have since been debunked by physicists and an editor of Popular Mechanics magazine.

    The director of the film scoffed, snickered, and told the editor of Popular Mechanics to do his research.

    A friend of a friend visited my house on several occasions. He told and continues to tell me Obama is a Communist. He supposedly has visited the former Soviet Union and yet he couldn’t give me an accurate description of what Communism is and how it’s different than Marxism.

    He has told me he did his research and that perhaps I should do mine better.

    Confirming your own prejudices and inclinations by Googling something online is considered research by some. Does it pass the sniff test? As much as I hate hypotheticals and made up conspiracies, I tried one: President Obama is Satan. I typed it into Google, and this is what I “researched.”

    According to Google there are approximately 5,500,000 million hits for my query President Obama is Satan. I clicked onto the first offered like that was entitled Michelle Obama Shows her Allegiance to Satan. Perfect. This is exactly what I had hoped for… I mean researched!

    On this website the author alleges that the First Lady Michelle Obama shows her allegiance to Satan by sporting a “Satanic hand gesture.” This hand gesture has been used by heavy metal head bangers like me. It is also used in the University of Texas at Austin as something called “the hook ‘em horns.” My aunt also uses this hand gesture; in Italian culture it is a curse called The Maloik or as others in my old neighborhood called it, the Evil Eye. Despite what the hand gesture might actually be, to this website it is a secret code that Michelle Obama is part of the New World Order, The Illuminati and of course, my personal friend, Satan.

    I did my research and I figured it all out! It took me all of two seconds to find a website saying Michelle Obama is part of the New World Order and is gal pals with Satan! All I had to do is type some fragment of crazy into Google or Bing, and my research is done!

     

    Michelle Obama vogue cover



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