• author
    • Maya Spier Stiles North

      Columnist, Editor-in-Chief
    • December 25, 2018 in Columnists

    All I want for Christmas is Trump’s resignation

    They set a low bar for Donald Trump, and he banged his head on it.
    Austan Goolsbee

    (No photographer credits could be located — credits will be added if found)

    By now, Mr. Trump, you have been hearing that you are the worst president in U.S. history from an abundance of people. You’ve heard it from ordinary people. You’ve heard it from the foreign leaders who do not admire despots and monsters, like you do. You’ve probably heard murmurs from your serfs in the Republican Party and quite vociferously from Democrats and other people of conscience. I suspect Melania mutters it under her breath whenever she thinks she can get away with it. Your own children have been oddly silent of late.

    Given your gargantuan ego, the weight of which I cannot imagine how you manage to carry, one would think this would concern you. I know you think you’re the best, despite all evidence (thank you, Stormy Daniels), but do you really think that being the best at being the worst is anything about which to boast?

    Here’s your reality and it’s coming to pass more all the time — adding to the embarrassment that is you and your so-called “presidency” — you are an object of contempt and occasional pity. Even your base is dwindling as they realize that you sell them down the river on a daily basis and gloat about how stupid they were to fall for your lies in the first place.

    We’re on to you. Most of us have been from the beginning.

    On top of which, nobody really likes you. I hear some did before the Republicans helped you steal the election, before your immediate friends got a good glimpse of who you are. And don’t mistake sycophants and coat-tail riders for friends. They were counting on your buying their friendship with deals, drugs (yeah, you were seen snorting coke up that snout of yours) and second-hand women and other perks. We who despise people who would harm young girls have not forgotten your quote about Jeffrey Epstein, the billionaire pedophile: “I’ve known Jeff for fifteen years. Terrific guy,” Trump booms from a speakerphone. “He’s a lot of fun to be with. It is even said that he likes beautiful women as much as I do, and many of them are on the younger side. No doubt about it — Jeffrey enjoys his social life.” (read more from NY Metro here). We also remember that you raped your first wife, despite her walking that back after you made sure her divorce money was tied to your silence (link to the Snopes article).

    Anybody who claims to like you anymore is lying. They have an ulterior motive. Anyone with sense and a brain would know they’re in it for what they can get. Sad for you that your lifelong status as an elite precludes you having a clue what a real person is — or a real friend.

    But you can salvage all that if you would just resign. You might even reduce your jail time. Just make the announcement that, after great soul-searching (if you can even find that wizened, dried up little thing cowering under the excrement that is your ego), you have decided that your talents are far more suited to tax evasion, grifting, grabbing women by the pussy, stealing from your own charitable organization and being Putin’s cock puppet and you have decided to go back to that life, taking that vile reptile, Pence, with you.

    You would be replaced by Nancy Pelosi, who may be too centrist for the Bernsters, but understands politics and this country better than most ever will. (How do you think she played you so effortlessly with that contemptuous little smile on her face the entire time?). (San Francisco Chronicle article giving the juicy details) With Pelosi in power, we would be able to at least begin repairing the horrific damage you’ve done to this country — the vulnerable, the environment, students, immigrants, animals — oh, the list goes on and on and on.

    That done, you can slink off to Mar-a-Lago and golf all day long. Mind you, we, the taxpayers will no longer be paying for quite as much as we have been to indulge your desire to do as little real work as humanly possible, but you’ll still have your little phalanx of long-suffering Secret Service agents trailing you to ensure no irate woman you groped can get to you (in case you’ve forgotten, here’s the video).  Or the veterans and elders you grifted out of their life savings with your fraudulent “university.” Or the vendors, contractors and employees you cheated. Or the coal miners you lied to before gutting protections for their safety and health. Or the disabled reporter you mocked — and all the people who are still furious about it. This list, too, goes on without end,.

    If we’re lucky, you’ll be eaten by a gator in mid-swing. Or you’ll have a coronary due to your embarrassingly plebian eating habits. Or you’ll get mycosis fungoides (it’s pretty ghastly) plus hemorrhoids and a sensitivity to all foods except ghost peppers. I am open to suggestions here.

    I only hope they get it on video.


      • Terri Connett

      • December 25, 2018 at 8:43 pm
      • Reply

      But tell us how you really feel! OMG this is perfect! You’ve captured so much of his scuzziness. And as you say, the list could go on. I hope Santa grants OUR wish, but just in case, I’ll have the alligator scenario — with hemorrhoids please.


        • Maya Spier Stiles North

        • December 25, 2018 at 10:47 pm
        • Reply

        Oh, I literally wallowed in this like a pig in buttermilk. His evangelical base never had too much by way of creds with me, but after all their spewing about “morality,” their complete indifference to his being the very exemplar of all they excoriate (except gayness) has sealed their role as hypocrites once and for all 😛



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