An open letter to the Catholic god
by Gary Huerta
Dear Catholic God,
You probably don’t remember me. We last talked on Easter in 1980. I was the guy tripping balls about midway in the audience (if that’s what you call it) at St. Dominic’s Church in Eagle Rock. That particular Saturday night before morning mass was a bit hectic and I hadn’t quite pulled it together. Nevertheless, I thoroughly enjoyed the pomp and circumstance. The music that echoed in your house. The incense carried down the aisle. The great mood lighting complements of the stained glass. It was epic. And I am grateful.
You’re probably wondering why I never reach out to you. I want you to know it’s not your fault. Frankly it’s not my fault either. As I’m sure you know, being divine and all, the reason I’ve been distant is because of the image your more devout followers have created.
No offense, God, but those at the top of your command have kind of made you out to be a douchebag. If I am to believe those individuals who claim to be closest to you – I’m talking about the gang in the funny hats and robes – you have no tolerance for gays and are a bit of an egomaniac. You seem to enjoy watching us feel guilt for things we do wrong and love doling out penalties for simply being human. Let’s face facts, if being loved by you and gaining admission into your heaven requires that I worship you and you alone, I’d say there might be an overcompensation issue.
Seriously, if you were a guy at Starbucks, I’d most likely go out of my way to avoid you. In fact, I have avoided guys like you at Starbucks.
This is the God your people have made you out to be – someone I’d rather not speak to.
Like I said, I don’t believe for one minute that is the real you. You are not prejudice, vengeful, petty and exclusive. Those are the traits of man. In fact, all we seem to do is project our worst traits onto you. Perhaps that makes us feel better about our own insecurities, which you also do not possess. I personally think the real you is an absolute divine being, incapable of prejudice and hatred. You love our contrasting ways and celebrate our differences. This is the version of you I do communicate with.
Unfortunately, the negative perceptions have made you quite real. So real that fundamentalist Christian followers are willing to blindly follow that image regardless of whether it is right or wrong by most other standards. They hate and often kill in your name.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know that other religions do the same in the name of their God, but I’ve never personally spoken to them nor have I ever eaten the symbolic body and drank the hypothetical blood of their son (which, by the way, is kind of creepy), so I’m writing you first. I suppose if I don’t hear back, I’ll reach out to the Muslim God and I might even see if I can get hold of the Mormon God, although I’m not exactly sure where to find him. He hangs on a planet near a star called Kolab, right?
So why reach out to you now? Because your followers are creating an incongruous and unacceptable situation down here. This little planet you created is about to reach capacity. That’s right. I know with your omnipotence, you’ve been keeping tabs and are fully aware that we will soon have 7 billion people walking around, looking for food, water and shelter. Sadly, a micro fraction of that 7 billion has most of the wealth and no desire to spread it, but that’s not why I’m writing.
I’m reaching out because your upper management followers continue to vigorously preach that you do not endorse birth control. Frankly, this rhetoric, which they are attributing to you, is really hindering everyone else’s effort to supply adequate birth control and family planning to areas that could sorely use it. Keeping this from your poorest followers only perpetuates suffering and creates even greater burdens on dwindling food, water and medical supplies.
It seems utterly preposterous that anyone would believe you would not be in favor of doing everything possible to reduce suffering and help our planet survive. While I haven’t travelled the universe, I’m sure Earth is one of your more beautiful pieces of work. Saying you want to perpetuate a philosophy that will destroy it would be like saying Michelangelo wishes he could destroy the Sistine Chapel ceiling. It’s nonsensical.
Our survival pretty much depends on you coming down and delivering some kind of message yourself. I’m afraid you can’t rely on your spin doctors anymore. By all appearances, they seem to be corrupted.
Please give your followers the OK to, “get some stanky on the hang down” and use birth control at the same time. Let them know that no one’s going to burn in hell for not wanting kids every time they shaboink.
I’m not begging you to fix the window on my Volvo. Dealing with electrical problems on Swedish cars is asking a lot. But I do think it is time you come down and clear the air. Throw a bone to the uneducated masses who blindly follow your misguided executive board of directors.
In closing, I’d just like to remind you that most of your followers are innocent and they truly believe in you because they hope for something better. In my opinion, they’d get that wish if they heard from the real you – the one who really cares – and not from the current public relations men running the show. They’ve spun things way out of control. They are not helping your flock.
I guess that’s about it. You take care of yourself and if there’s anything I can do for you, please let me know. One last thing, if you do come down and you want to grab a drink, let me know. I’d like to ask you a few things about the women you invented. They are really difficult to understand.