Archive

“So, are your Christmas lights up really early or are you really late taking them down?” asks Joe the Butcher, who I’ve re-nicknamed Joe the Jokester — Joekester for short. Before you hurtle down the wrong mental trail, no, Joe the Butcher is not sketchy...
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Ellen's Game of Games is a disturbing public display of sadomasochism.
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Today, I reach a major life milestone: a Big Birthday, one that ends in “0.” But not mine. My daughter’s. And that makes it ever so much bigger. My baby is turning 30! My youngest! How can this be! Cognitive dissonance rattles my brain. I’m...
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Not since the much-dreaded Burger King reared its weirdly disturbing crowned head on Grant Avenue have Winters residents been this enraged. People are pissed. Step aside, downtown hotel with no on-site parking and stupid piebald beaver — there’s a new Big Issue in town, and...
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The other night I dreamed of kittens. Oh, how sweet! Nope. This is my subconscious, folks, not the Disney Channel. There were five… all black except for a dark gray… newborn… weak and helpless, piled on top of each other for warmth. I sat down...
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Because things seem just too stressful to think about for longer than 15 seconds these days, let’s look back instead. Just in time for the holidays, I give you: The Top Ten Things I Miss about Christmas 10) Mandarins in my Christmas stocking. Those just...
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Notice to all lawyers and judges: Clear out your desks, gather up your stuff. You’re all fired. Your services are no longer needed. Take your place in history next to trebuchet builders and town criers — your skills are obsolete. There’s a new legal system...
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Apparently men can no longer be allowed in the workplace. Going forward, men will only be allowed as house pets. I keed, I keed… Because, come on — men make crummy house pets. They’re big, noisy and messy, and exceedingly difficult to leash-train. They’d do...
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