This baby will be beautiful, smart and tough
I absolutely love babies. You would never know it by looking at me now, but I used to be a baby. I think maybe everybody was at one time or another. Lately I’ve been seeing babies everywhere. Today I saw one down at the creek. That was a real shocker!
My excellent friends, Andy and Sara Tremayne just had a baby. Her name is Elsa and she was born with a full head of hair. This baby is going to be someone to reckon with in the near future. I’ve thought about this for some time now so I’ll have to explain everything to you in layman’s terms. That means I have to keep it somewhat simple with no big words.
Baby Elsa is beautiful. She takes after her mom. I guess her father is pretty good-looking too. He’s almost as good-looking as I am. Also, Baby Elsa is also very smart. Its genetic I think. Sara is the green thumb of the Putah Creek Council. That explains how I saw her baby down at the creek. First she’s planting trees at a PCC planting event, then she’s having a baby, then she’s at a planting event again with a baby. That makes her tough and beautiful.
Baby Elsa’s father, Andy, is some kind of Professor of Archeology ay UC Davis. I call him “Rock Hunter Guy.” He likes to dig up rocks and other artifacts the Eskimos left lying around about a million years ago. He goes to the Arctic Circle to dig a bunch of holes like a wild man. I say “wild man” because he has a video on the internet in which he threatens a polar bear with a stick for coming too close to his pile of artifacts. This all happens up near the North Pole somewhere.
So, for you laymen out there, that means Elsa is both smart and tough because her Daddy is, and she’s beautiful and tough because her Mommy is. The Rock Hunter Guy tells me that Baby Elsa was born right in their house with what they call “natural birth.” He also told me that Sara was in labor for over 800 hours. I thought, “Wow, that’s almost a week.”
In a couple of weeks, you can meet Baby Elsa when she’s planting trees at the new Nature Park. I say that because Sara isn’t going to put up with all that sleeping and pooping for very long unless that baby gets busy fixing some trees and native grasses. I know this to be true from experience. I’ll explain in the next paragraph after I eat another piece of cake.
OK, I’m back from the cake break — sorry it took so long but here’s the story about sleeping and pooping. Everybody knows I’m a liar, but this story is really based on truth. Here is the story:
Once, a long time ago, four of us were over by Pedrick Road in Davis, California, getting some rose cuttings for the greenhouse. There was Libby Earthman our fearless leader, Sara Tremayne our green thumb, Tanya, a Putah Creek Council steward, and me, let’s call me Donald. Sara and Libby were down at the creek goofing off while Tanya and I were doing all the work.
They had me in the middle of a patch of roses that were all thorns and no flowers. I was already cut up pretty good when they sent Tanya in with a gas powered weed-eater that had a saw blade at the end of it. Tanya was swinging the weed-eater around and I was trying to get away, deeper into the rose patch. I could feel the blade zooming past my ear and…well I had a little accident. Out of fear you understand.
It seemed like hours before Tanya turned off the weed-eater and finally heard me whimpering because I couldn’t get out of the rose patch. Tanya looks over at me and smiles as she says, “Don’t worry Don, I’ll get you right out of there, this happens all the time, so I know what I’m doing.” Then shes heading right for me with a pair of wire cutters in her hand. I thought, “OOOh Jesus!”
Anyway, when I get out of the roses I tell Sara I have to go to the bathroom. Sara says, “You don’t need no stinkin’ bathroom, just go out in the bushes.” So I says, “But they’re all rose bushes!” Sara was getting loud now and said, “It don’t make no nevermind, just holler if you get lost!” That’s how I know about sleeping and pooping. So, from what Andy, the Rockhunter guy tells me, that all that Baby Elsa does. He says, “Sometimes she’ll poop right after she gets done pooping.”
So here’s what we have: Baby Elsa Tremayne, with a last name that sounds like a movie star or a president — she’s beautiful, she’s smart and she’s tough. OK, in layman’s terms that means she’s going to be someone to reckon with in the future. I swear up to God, we’re going to have to reckon with the little Tremayne girl!
Today, as I left the creek, I happened to glance at what Sara was reading. The headline of the paper said, “Adventurous Woman needed as Surrogate for Neanderthal Baby!” So, if Sara considers this, it would be the first Neanderthal baby born in about 30 billion years or so, but that’s a different story.