Behold, the Buttkicking Machine
by Kelvin Wade
When my mother was upset by something stupid some politician or celebrity said or did, she would say, “He needs to be beat with a wet rope and then turned loose.” It got me thinking that there needs to be some sort of punishment for infractions that don’t rise to the level of incarceration. Like in colonial America where they had stocks to put people in for public humiliation, we need something similar. That’s when I first thought of the buttkicking machine.
It would be a contraption that repeatedly and efficiently puts a foot to someone’s backside.
A long line of celebrities from Mel Gibson to Lindsay Lohan to Charlie Sheen to whichever athlete is making gay slurs this week should be standing in line to submit to the buttkicking machine.
Significant other cheating on you? Buttkicking machine. And it should have different settings on it. Sometimes you just want a mild buttkicking to remind the person that they did something stupid and shouldn’t do it again. But for an affair, crack that puppy up to 10 and deliver a Bruce Lee style butt-thrashing.
I once called my last girlfriend’s number and a guy answered. I wish I had the machine then. Heck, I wish I could’ve hired an octopus wearing Doc Martens to do the honors.
Speaking of cheating, there is probably no one who needs the buttkicking machine more right now than Arnold Schwarzenegger. Women across America would cheer seeing his big Austrian butt kicked repeatedly.
We might as well add former IMF Chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn to the list. Not for the alleged rape. If convicted, he deserves to be locked up with a 300 pound man who’s been fed a case of Viagra and just denied conjugal visits. DSK needs the buttkicking machine for his reputation before his arrest. He was dubbed “le grand seducteur” (the great seducer) by a French paper. Women have come forward alleging being groped or assaulted or “gorilla-like” behavior from DSK. And his bubble-headed wife even liked and boasted of her husband’s reputation as a womanizer. As my mom would say, “She’s crazier than a Bessie bug.” Perhaps she needs a buttkicking of her own.
Great lapses in judgment like selling off your possessions and driving across the country to wait for the Rapture, doing business online with some Prince from Nigeria, inputting your Social Security number and bank password in an email that claimed the bank lost your info or entertaining the idea of actually supporting Donald Trump or Sarah Palin for President would easily qualify someone for a session or two.
Just for the heck of it, all televangelists and radio talk show hosts should be required to have periodic sessions with the buttkicking machine. Something profoundly stupid, I’m talking of Glenn Beckian proportions, is bound to come out of their mouths during a three-hour show, so we might as well pencil them in for the machine.
As for me, I’d use the machine on my super obnoxious neighbors. It would have to be something elaborate with multiple spinning buttkicking feet, something one might only see in the world of Dr. Seuss. My neighbors need such a buttkicking that I could probably use the rotating feet to generate power for my house!
Who do you know who needs a buttkicking?