‘Ben’ Laden Gets Double-Crossed in Paradise
by Donald K. Sanders
I had the weirdest dream last night. By the clock, I slept for well over an hour but I tossed and turned so much that I actually slept only about sixty minutes.
Before I tell you about the dream, I have a complaint I’d like to convey to the Veteran’s Administration. Ready, here it is: “I ate a whole bottle of those cheap sleeping pills that you gave me and it didn’t do anything except make me vomit and then it gave me a hellacious case of cotton mouth.”
Anyway, I was telling you about the weird dream I had. Well, in the dream, I was sitting at my desk. There were three TVs. In front of me was a little TV that had a typewriter in front of it. To my left, on a table, was a smaller TV that had a typewriter right on it and when you fold it up it made a muffled sound like someone talking in a closet. Neither had any paper.
Across the room there was a great big TV that had to be at least 21 inches across. The World News was on all three TVs and there was a cute little number named Christy Sillman talking about some guy named Osama Ben Laden that had filed suit against some Muslim organization for breach of contract.
This Ben Laden guy claimed that he was promised 40 virgins when he in fact received 40 old hookers from the Bronx and they wouldn’t leave him alone.
“It has been pure torture,” he said in an interview with a bevy of reporters.
I was really getting interested in this when another cute little lady reporter started telling the world about how Ben Laden complained that when he got to the gate to paradise, he found Muhammad playing chess with Jesus.
Ben Laden angrily claimed that when he tried to enter the gate to paradise, the two chess players would scoot their chairs and game table around to block his access.
“Every single time I tried to get past these guys, they would move the stupid table around so I couldn’t get in,” said Ben Laden.
“That’s when I filed the first lawsuit that was denied by Judge Debra (Lo Guercio) DeAngelo of the US Supreme Court on the premise that everybody knows that Muhammad hasn’t played chess since he was beaten by a computer in 1981,” said Ben Laden, while taking a big breath.
After Ben Laden got that long sentence out, the cute reporter asked him, “How did you like those big American boys that have been chasing you around for the last decade?” Ben laden huffed and puffed and finally walked away, mumbling.
Then the reporter said, “I didn’t think you’d like them — some of those boys were from Arkansas! Yee haw! OK, then, this is Karen Roe reporting, back to you Christy!” she said with a big smile.
This was just too much for me, so I went in and woke up my wife, Therese, who sleeps like a baby because she is pure of heart. She asked me what was so important as she rubbed her eyes.
I must have been really excited because when I tried to tell her that Christy Sillman, whom we had diner with a few weeks ago, was the anchor on the world news and that my cousin Karen Roe, from Arkansas, was a reporter, it came out like this: “Sisty Pillman news and Cousin Karen on TV real cute!”
Therese turned around and went back to bed. I followed her into the bedroom telling her about how some boys from Arkansas had shot this guy named Ben Laden in some place called Bobbobbabod, just north of Salamabob.
“He was miffed because he was double-crossed and couldn’t get into paradise” I said, “and they gave him 40 hookers instead of 40 virgins!”
Therese was already snoring.
So then I found that I could talk to the news reporters by using the typewriters (with no paper) by the little TVs. I think I said something stupid like, “Shooting a guy in the head was no reason to celebrate.” At this, Christy, the anchor and Karen, the reporter, started laughing so hard that tears flowed from their eyes and spittle flew all over the inside of my TV. Together they said, “Don, sometimes you say the dumbest things!”
The dream ended when a commercial came on the three TVs. Another cute lady pronounced, “Tune in today at 6 p.m. when the Madge Show interviews famous writer Donald Sanders for the first time since he made the dumbest statement ever made by a human being.”
I woke up with a start! I thought, “What, it was all a dream?” I got up, looked and found my sleeping pills but the bottle was empty.