Breakfast — my true adversary
I have a pretty severe egg allergy that makes eating a whole lot of fun. Like a person with OCD, I am constantly checking labels of foods I regularly eat to make sure there’s no egg in the food product. Donuts, ice cream, noodles, pizza (I have a good story about pizza), meatloaf, cake, vegetarian patties and other foods always have trace amounts or more significant amounts of eggs. Even eggs themselves have a trace amount of egg (I’m talking about McDonald’s eggs).
An egg allergy makes breakfast a virtual impossibility for me if we’re talking about traditional ‘Murica breakfast. I don’t go out to breakfast. I hate restaurants that serve breakfast. Everything is a goddamn egg with a pile of bacon and I have nothing but contempt for breakfast. If a breakfast restaurant could be a place and time in history, IHOP would be my D-Day invasion (I am the Nazis in this scenario).
Oh yeah, breakfast and those sun-worshiping a-holes are the first to go into the Gulag when my Communist brother-in-arms Barack Hussien Obama and I take world power.
Pancakes, blintzes, crepes, omelets, quiche, sunny side up, Benedict, scrambled and other food items that have egg are completely out of my culinary experiences. Cakes, pies, certain types of pizza, donuts… oh the list is long, and I’m not going to bore you with the list.
Hey Matt, you can get a lot of those items eggless and with an egg substitute.
Hey look who brought their chemistry degree from MIT. Bring an epipen with you while you are at it, thanks.
What’s an epipen might you ask? It’s a self-delivered shot of epinephrine (synthetic adrenaline) that gives me about 15 minutes to get to a hospital if I go into anaphylactic shock (my throat closes up and suffocates me due to a food allergen). I pull off the cap and inject it into my thigh. It’s the latest fad and all the kids are doing it.
As to foods that usually have egg but can be made eggless, that’s a mixed bag for me.
First off, despite my obesity, I don’t care for sweets and pastries. Not a cake person. I don’t like chocolate, so that is completely out of my diet. I rarely eat ice cream. Soda and the occasional candy are the only sweet things I have, asides the occasional cute chick. I am a byproduct of all natural Mountain Dew, pizza, Combos, and all other forms of bad crap that shorten your lifespan. I prefer to kill myself slowly with as much hoopla and dramatics as possible.
Egg is instantly lethal and takes all the fun out of an anguished existence.
However, I know for a fact that I eat things with trace amounts of eggs ALL THE TIME. Eggos — used to eat them all the time when I was a kid. Egg noodles — a staple of my diet. Meatloaf — my mom and I both make eggless meatloaves, and yet when I have meatloaf from the local delicatessen I am totally fine. Even those donuts I say I avoid like the plague — I avoid them about 90 percent of the time.
And then you see the vanilla powder or frosting on my face.
Perhaps it’s time to ask the question: What have we learned about Uncle Matt? Well, a severe egg allergy is a pain in the ball (unless you are a woman then it’s a pain in the ovaries). I did write ball and I just checked — I have two of them.
What did we really learn?
Eggs are a food item that can be used for virtually anything and no matter how much I avoid eggs, they’re always with me. Also, I hate mornings and breakfast. Chipper morning people pretty much annoy me unless it’s a lady that’s easy on the eyes.
If you are looking to have a breakfast date with me, please understand that if I just sit across from you with a cup of tea and toast, I mean no offense. Look, breakfast food is what tears you and I apart, baby. Can we just say breakfast is an easy way to aggravate me and be way less interested in what you have to say? I don’t even care if you’re a Republican — breakfast is an easy way to start off on the wrong foot.
Love me by having lunch or dinner with me. Make me an omelette and you have an enemy for life. Eggs are this Superman’s kryptonite and breakfast is Lex Luthor with his ugly ass bald head.