Breaking up with depression
You are no longer welcome here. I can’t handle you constantly looking for opportunities to ruin my day. Sleepless nights, sleeping all day — it’s exhausting being with you. Do you ever sleep, depression, because you’re always around. Sometimes, faintly, I can feel you and other times, your entire weight is crushing my bones. Random acts of sadness make me afraid to go out with friends. What if you decide to tag along? Sometimes you do show up and I don’t know how to feel. Usually when I’m at home, I can just blurt out “I’m sad” and mom and I will talk about it. With friends, I don’t want to ruin the mood or want you to be there. I want to enjoy my time with them.
It’s even worse now knowing you keep bringing Anxiety along with you too. She hasn’t shown up in a while, and now she is all I feel as well. At work, at home, in bed, literally doing nothing and I can feel anxious. How? Why? You both make me feel so paranoid. I feel massive amounts of pressure from nowhere that I need to fix my life TODAY! Then I calm down. But what if I think about something else that triggers my anxiety? How will I calm down then? What are my calming down tactics? Breathing? Sure, I guess. Suffering until it’s over? Most times. Changing something? That usually works. Changing my surroundings helps. Get up, move around, go to the gym, walk Bo, clean up — all coping mechanisms.
I’ve learned to live with you both all this time. It’s been the three of us for life. I’ve tried help, but I need the right kind of help, which I have been putting off because the lack of motivation. The crippling fear of having to talk about you two to someone’s face whose job it is to diagnose me. I’d rather stay home. But when I’m home, I want to be out. Oh no, but now I’m out and I wish I was back at home. The anxious feeling starts in the center of my chest like a fire and spreads rapidly until I am consumed.
You’re both ruining my relationships, friendships, my grades, my desire to write. For some reason my desire to read has never been more alive. I guess that is one good thing that has come from this. I did join a book club with my friend so at least I am getting out once a month. I feel bad for my friends. I’m not ignoring you. They know my situation and understand completely. I feel bad for my family. They’re the ones who see me at my most real moments. The burden of me rests with them. I worked so hard to get into the college of my dreams and I almost failed. I haven’t written in months. It’s so hard when you’re depressed to try to write something entertaining or write about your life. What life? Who wants to read how I sat and watched six consecutive hours of Lost? No one.
One thing I know for sure is I will never let myself get as bad as I used to be. I was the most depressed teenager this world has ever seen. Never again. At least I can control you two better than I thought, but I will not allow you to control me. Not anymore.
So, take this as a goodbye forever. I refuse to enter another chapter of my life carrying around the burden of mental illness.
Sincerely yours with both middle fingers raised high,