• Chest gunk, bad opera and escape from the cardiac unit

    Have you ever escaped from a Cardiac ACU? I think I did last night, but I’m not sure.

    Nurses at the ACU gave me so many pills that I’m not certain what is real. I found a high-rise construction job here in San Francisco, so I went to work. They were confused at first and said they didn’t know who I was.

    “I’m not leavin’ — why don’t you leave,” I says.

    I think at first they were gonna beat the crap out of me, but I don’t think they did. The goon guy told his boss that he couldn’t hit me because my heart was hanging halfway out. He thought it was an alien at first. Anyways, I woke up in the basement floor by something they call a column. Isn’t that a cooinkidink because that’s exactly what I happen to be writing.

    Anyways, they wanted me to leave. They said they were gonna call the cops. I says, “I’d call 911, but I forgot the number.” A short while later two detectives were holding me up saying, “Come along, old fella.” They took the call because it was a weird one, and maybe one of those construction guys was an alien. I told them I had four hours pay coming. I never saw a cent.

    Next thing I know, I’m sittin’ back in the good old ACU, so I decided to edit my new book (soon to be released). First thing I saw was a little square right in the middle of the page, so I drew a big dark circle around it with a black marker and wrote, “What the hell is this?” That’s when I found out it was one of those sticky Post-its that my wife had put there! Crap! After that, I turned off my phone light and went to sleep again. Now I just woke up to the Miss America contestants singing opera! I don’t know how long I can endure! I just wrote a note and slipped it to Jane, my nurse. It read, “I have been listening to the entire Miss America program. Now they are singing opera full blast!!!!! Can you help me?” She reached over and turned it off because my roommate was asleep.

    God help me!

    Today, Sept. 14

    So, in case you didn’t know, I was tricked into a quadruple bypass by my tricky wife and her doctor friends. I was told that I was going in for another stint as an “outpatient.” Ha!

    So, now I’m sittin’ here with three tubes about four inches in diameter sticking out of my chest! I look like I’m watering trees at the creek from inside my chest!

    They say I can’t bring any gunk from the tubes home so I can look at it under my microscope. Why the hell not — it’s my chest gunk right? What’s wrong with me takin’ a jar or two home? What’s the big deal?

    And these big purple socky things. Aw come on! They know I never wear purple socky things! Why does this crap always happen to me?

    Now they think I’m too dumb to know what they’re giving me ain’t real coffee! I mean, even those dumb people that want to prevent creek restoration work know what real coffee is! Well, I think they do anyways!

    I’m gonna sue my wife and all the doctors along with Kaiser San Francisco because my roommate fell asleep with the Miss America thingy on his TV — full volume! Have you ever listened to those women sing opera in the middle of the night? It’s pretty scary I can tell you that!

    If I had a jar of chest gunk I would get even with them real quick!

    I’ll get back with you soon — I gotta take some meds!

      • Madgew

      • September 17, 2015 at 8:52 am
      • Reply

      So glad they tricked you. I happy you are able to write and someone had the sense to get you fixed. I want you to live longer and be healthier. Yay To your wife. I see your humor and weirdness is still alive. Love you Donald.

      • Ralph

      • September 17, 2015 at 9:40 am
      • Reply

      I know a guy who knows a lawyer who might be ablke to take your case….maybe we can work something out for a %…(so glad to see you are doing better)

      • Valerie engelman

      • September 17, 2015 at 9:48 am
      • Reply

      Bless your heart! I hope you find comfy socks soon. All the best recoveries start with awesome socks.

      • Maya Spier Stiles North

      • September 20, 2015 at 5:40 pm
      • Reply

      Thank you for living. My husband had a quadruple coronary bypass — he had TWELVE blockages! That was 17 years ago. In that time he’s seen one grandchild born and grown taller than me and another almost here. He’s traveled the world. He’s gotten a lot of my kisses and hugs (and other delights). He’s crafted a quarter acre fish pond. It was worth it, love. Now go forth and savor it.

        • Therese

        • October 11, 2015 at 4:31 pm
        • Reply

        Thanks for sharing your info, Maya!

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