• Couldn’t even steal an award

    I’m really happy to be a part of iPinion Syndicate. I think it has to do with luck. I’ve always been lucky at just about everything I’ve ever done except for one thing. I was not a lucky soldier, but that’s a different story.

    I’m a little intimidated by all the awards that the other iPinion members have listed in their introductions. Have you read my intro? I’ve never won anything and I’m not the first in my family to never win anything. I come from a family of liars and thieves that have never been able to even steal an award.

    There is no way that I could put down in writing everything that I or my family have accomplished but never, no never, have we been considered for any type of award. I’ll start with my great-great-great-great-great grandfather. His name was Phettiplace Clouse. He sailed on the English ship “Starr” in 1610 to Jamestown. He was the author of one of two books of proper etiquette. Here are a couple of entries from his book:

    “A number of people gnaw on a bone and place it back on the platter-this is a serious offense.”

    “Do not spit over or on the table in the manner of hunters.”

    “When you blow your nose or cough, turn your head so that nothing falls on the table.”

    Like I said before, there was another book of etiquette but I don’t want to talk about that.

    His son, Charles, born around 1650 or so, was so poor that he couldn’t afford to get up after he laid down but he did have one good idea before he died. It was his idea, and I quote, “It is the duty of man to remove as quickly as possible all natural growth from these lands.” He held the idea that it is unfair for the forest to be empty and unspoiled. My family, along with the family of John Adams, has cut down more trees than any other family name.

    Further down the line, his grandson, Jasper Sanders, was the first American to suggest that we have an “Income Tax.” On his deathbed, when asked about the hundreds of Americans who died while trying to collect taxes from the mountain folks, he replied, “For the life of me I don’t understand why people don’t like taxes, it’s enough to make you lose your faith in God.” His last words were, “It’s a sure-fire way for the government to get their land back from those pesky immigrants though.”

    My great-great grandfather, Eliesalot Sanders, was an Indian fighter and a guide to the pioneer wagon trains. He was the first to find and point out the shortcut through the Rocky Mountains that led up to and through the Donner Pass. After a mountainous disaster, he ran to Missouri but was captured and hung before he could cross over the Arkansas line. He might have made it if he hadn’t eaten his own leg.

    His son, Eliestoo, was a writer of books. His most famous book, “The Man of the Family” held the famous quote, “A woman’s place is in the home-the kitchen preferably.” He predicted that women and people of color would never have the right to vote. After the Civil War, he, along with the grandfather of Teddy Roosevelt, had a lucrative opium import business. Both men professed a hatred of the female gender but on several occasions they were seen wearing dresses to public affairs.

    Next down the line was his son, William, sometimes called Willie Two-nose. William was caught robbing the graves of General Custer and his men. As punishment for this offense his nose was split down the middle. This explains why Willie Two-nose swore that he smelled twice as good as a common man.

    During World War I, my grandfather, Eddie A. Sanders, arrived in France with the first American troops. Some time later, he went AWOL but ran the wrong way and was the recipient of a large dose of mustard gas. His screaming is credited with saving numerous lives by sounding the alarm of incoming gas. His son, my father, Edwin Sanders, was a schizophrenic paranoid and I don’t want to talk about him anymore.

    Of all of these people, my ancestors, not one of them ever won an award for anything. That leaves it up to me.

    As of today, I haven’t won anything other than a trophy for “Worst Improved Bowler.” It’s not that I haven’t tried though. I nominated myself for “Citizen of the Year” in Winters, California. I was also nominated for the Pulitzer Prize, the Nobel Prize, and the prize for the best scarecrow last Halloween in the annual Chamber of Commerce Scarecrow Contest.

    You’ll be happy to know that I am being considered for a world record by the Guinness Book of World Record people in London. It is probably the only chance I have to win anything. The record is for, “The most self-submitted nominations for awards never won.”

    What does it matter who nominates you, right? You don’t have to tell them you nominated yourself. The trick is to win so that you can tell everybody about it.

      • Amanda Mortensen

      • October 10, 2017 at 4:29 pm
      • Reply

      Hello! I was googling Phettiplace Clouse out of sheer curiosity today, as he’s a great-great-great-great… grandfather of mine also. You mentioned that he had a son named Charles, where did you find that info? I have an account with Family Tree and don’t see him on there. There are 3 other children though. I hope to hear from you, cousin!


      • Amanda, actually the name Eliestoo was a play on words, He-lies-too. I write these columns for the local newspaper but they get posted at iPinion too. Everybody in my town knows that I am a liar so I often lie in my columns. I’m lying right now as a matter of fact. I don’t really know for sure if Pettyplace was a cannibal or not but in truth that was the way they survived at Jamestown. Also, Charles was a distant descendant of Pettyplace’s. Have you been to the Clouse Facebook page? I have a copy of the Clouse history book with hundreds and hundreds of records. Do you need a copy? Are you a Clouse – my grandmother was. My email is donaldsand@gmail.com. Let me know. Oh, I’m not lying right now.

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