Dandelion greens fueled my fantasies of Rosario Dawson and revolution
The other night I was walking the dog so she can do her business at the usual time, which is typically around 11 p.m. I was watching Shelby walk around for her perfect spot so she can make it rain just like the rappers do in their songs and my ADD kicked into full gear. I started surveying the ground in order to satisfy my need for constant feelings of anxious distractions.
Next to the spot where Shelby was laying down the law, I saw a dandelion. Oddly enough, the newest food that was introduced to me a couple of weeks ago was something called dandelion greens. Evidently, the large leafy part of the dandelion is quite edible and I assumed it is also good for you.
Shut up vegans and vegetarians. I don’t want to hear about the health benefits of the dandelion greens. Allow me to solider onward with my story.
I gazed upon the dandelion green and I thought to myself what does that taste like. In my mind, I fantasized about walking towards the dandelion green, picking it up and out from the ground, and eating it straight from nature’s bounty.
Then my fantasy kicked in…..
I picked up the dandelion green, rolled it up, and swallowed it whole. I slammed that thing into my mouth like Shaq O’Neal slam-dunking a basketball. And within five minutes, my need to start the revolution commenced.
I knocked on neighbors’ doors and demanded they hear my speeches about the Federal government takeover, fluoride in the water, and how China was winning the war against us. Following my dandelion green ruled diatribe, I would hand them all a tin foil hat that looked like a tricorn — one that not only protects them from brainwaves from secret spy satellites from DARPA (Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency), but you can also pretend you are a swashbuckling pirate looking for treasures on your spouse.
Um, that’s called a win-win, folks.
I walked for miles and miles with boxes of aluminum foil, banging on every door. I was a modern day Paul Revere waddling around from house to house warning of the impending invasion and in return people would say, “Do you have any idea what time it is? I’m calling the police.”
News organizations began to cover the story of the man who knocked on doors and passed out tinfoil hats. MSNBC accused me of being a Tea Party birther who suspects the government of being soft on Communists. Fox News praised me for being a concerned citizen practicing my First Amendment rights at 1 a.m. on a weekday. The nation had polarized opinions about what I was doing leading my dandelion revolution.
TMZ asked celebrities what they had thought about me going door to door informing citizens about the revolution. Blake Shelton and Toby Keith asked, “What is a revolution?” Paris Hilton simply replied, “That’s huge.” Simon Cowell wanted to make a judging TV show that judged contestants who had the best political rants — the panel would consist of Chris Matthews, Sean Hannity, Alex Jones and the chick from Code Pink. Rosario Dawson said, “Oh my god, Matt Naj is so brave and sexy.” Bill Maher included what I did on his New Rules bit: “New Rule — Matt Naj isn’t allowed to start anymore insurrections.” LeBron James was asked for a comment on me and said, “He really needs to start losing some weight. It’s not helping his cause.” The White House Press Corps asked Press Secretary James Carney about me and he replied, “Who?”
Hundreds of Baby Boomers followed me around as I knocked on doors. Hundreds of volunteers made the tin foil tricorn hats and upgraded them with tea bag compartments. Someone started a popular right-wing blog called “The Dandelion Revolution” that recorded my day to day activities as others simply just started eating dandelion greens and waited.
I marched onward to New York City and the media frenzy was ecstatic. Every single talk show, news show or late night talk show wanted to interview me. That’s when I met her.
On David Letterman’s show, I was a guest along with Rosario Dawson and musical guest The Jonas Brothers. I sat in the green room and minded my own business. Rosario walked in and stood in front of me with a look of elation. She told me she was absolutely inspired by what I did across the country. I thanked her. She began to look at me with her best come hither poses. I told her I knew what she wanted and I was going to give her a revolution she never felt before.
I banged her hard.
I had sex with Rosario Dawson so skillfully and passionately that she started a blog called “I love two inch penis.” I finished in three minutes, a new world record, and then it all fell apart. Perez Hilton sauntered into the green room and shrieked in a voice that could shatter glass a hundred miles away.
His blog ruined my revolution with the headline, “Dandelion Revolution Leader Tea Bags Hollywood Liberal Rosario Dawson.” I felt bad for Rosario. Our sexual ferocity and chemistry ruined my patriot movement and subsequently her career. Rosario and I were condemned to a life of selling dandelion greens on the side of a major highway with onlookers saying, “Aren’t you the guy who went crazy eating dandelion greens?”
I snapped out of my fantasy of lovemaking and revolution. I looked at the dandelion on the ground and said, “You almost ruined and humiliated me, you son of a bitch.”
The next day, I began walking house to house warning people of the ill effects of dandelion green consumption…