• Dark matter scheme

    Finally, I think I’m on the brink of a breakthrough in my ongoing investigation of where all the money is and how I can get my hands on more than my fair share. In the midst of this investigation, I found something really stinky. In fact it is so stinky that the powers that be in the media industry will not get near it and neither will I, so let’s look at something else.

    What do you have when two Italians get together? The mafia, right? OK, this is a given, so I’ll try to get right to the point of the new direction my investigation might be going in. First, I have to explain the event that started me thinking along these new lines. I think I may have accidentally uncovered something so important that I don’t think I should tell you about it yet.

    OK, I’ll tell you.

    Remember the words “Dark Matter”! These words seem to have indiscriminately jumped into my head as I was in the midst of my morning constitution while sitting on the throne in my bathroom. I remember the exact moment it entered my head. I was flushing the toilet and as I touched the handle that started the flush sequence it dawned on me. I thought, “Hey, I read something yesterday that said there were two Italians in space at the same time on the Muir Space Station.”

    Exactly what are these two Italians up to and why are they up to it in space? I decided to go back and re-read what I had read yesterday. OK, this all happened yesterday because at that point I got hungry and while eating my lunch I completely forgot what I was thinking about until just now. Italians, mafia and space; these three words go hand in hand with each other.

    Now I’m on the third day of my investigation and I’m looking at the article about two Italians in space. What are they up to? I can tell you right now that it has to be something fishy or it smells like fish. Well here it is, are you ready? The Italians are trying to get the corner on the dark matter industry!

    I know, it’s unbelievable, right? Well think about this. Roberto Vittori and Paolo Nespoli, in April 2011, meet at the space station, out in the middle of space. One carries a message to the other from the Italian president. This is the first time two Italians are allowed in space at the same time. Everybody knows that this constitutes a “gathering,” which is forbidden by International Treaty at the end of WWII.

    Why meet in space, you might ask? Privacy is the answer to that. Monitors with the microphone turned off recorded the Italians with their heads together discussing some heinous plan. At two points in time, one of the Italians bumped into the microphone switch long enough to record these words. “Dark Matter” was the first two words and they were quickly followed by the words, or what sounded like the words, “Don’t worry about the French, they are pussies.”

    These Italians were both selected by the European Astronauts Corps in 1998 and trained together for many years. . Vittori is said to be the adopted brother of the Italian President that joined the meeting in space via telecommunication. The words, “AMS-02” were heard and recorded by a tape recorder I guess. “AMS-02” refers to something called the “Alpha Magnetic Spectrometer”, “number 2” I guess.

    Note: It just so happens I have two “Alpha Magnetic Spectrometers” in my hall closet. I use them to suck in data about “Dark Matter.”

    I found that Italy is the third-largest contributor to ESA programs and the second to the International Space Station. Italian industry built more than half of the Station’s pressurized volume of the non-Russian segment. This information alone prompted me to call Interpol in Switzerland. They hung up on me and told me never to call them again.

    The AMS-02, the Alpha Magnetic Spectrometer, consists of seven instruments that monitor cosmic rays from space. Unprotected by Earth’s atmosphere the instruments receive a constant barrage of high-energy particles. As these particles pass through AMS-02, the instruments record their speed, energy and direction. This explains that my data was corrupted by the atmosphere. Geeze, who knew?

    I have collected data on over 400,000 electrons together with their antimatter twins, the positrons. Data that I’m releasing today show how the ratio of positrons compared to electrons passing through AMS-02 changes depending on their energy, confirming data from previous instruments. I’ll explain what it does in simple terms in my new book, “Dark Matter for Dummies.”

    The book centers on the idea that if you shine a torch in a completely dark room, you will see only what the torch illuminates. That does not mean that the room around you does not exist. Similarly I know dark matter exists but have never observed it directly. Now I know I have the wrong type of torch. With that fact known, does anyone out there have an “antimatter torch?”

      • Ralph

      • April 14, 2013 at 12:09 pm
      • Reply

      Wait a minute…….let me think…….didn’t you write an article about the large hadron collider in Switzerland, and isn’t it the world’s largest and most powerful particle accelerator. And didn’t I read somewhere that this particle accelerator could also produce anti-matter? And didn’t you want the city of Winters to assist you in building a large hadron collider? I see where your troube is, the city fathers of Winters are not on your side, they are probably closet Mafia and are involved with the space Mafia attempting to corner the ‘dark matter’ industry…. be careful Donald, be very careful…..

    • I am so lost in this column. 🙂 Go back to your thingy in the zipper.

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