• Desires for candy — the mad dash to a shitty relationship

    Aaron Hernandez is currently in prison pending trial for murdering a semi-professional athlete. 

    On my Facebook, one constant observation about Mr. Hernandez was absolutely clear: Women think he’s hot.

    It’s not just his appearance — this guy is like a walking chocolate bar.  You know that chocolate bar is bad for you, will add weight to your hips, make you constipated and put a zit on your face.  However, you can’t wait to put that chocolate bar into your mouth and let it melt slowly.

    Bring on those thunder thighs!

    Matt, why do I crave what is bad for me?

    Look how hard it is to make kids eat their peas. 

    Being a vegetarian is akin to dating a good guy.  Everyone idealizes being a vegetarian, don’t they?  You can eat guilt-free and not even care what exactly you eat.  It’s a vegetable — it will never hurt me.

    And yet, you resent that vegetable.  You have no idea how to cook it, it tastes horrible, you’re sick of being a vegetarian after a week, and you’re ready to spit it into the trash. 

    Meanwhile, all you crave is a steak straight from an industrial farm.  You don’t care where that steak came from or how that beef was raised — you are pouring A-1 steak sauce, eating it, and will enjoy every sinfully delicious bite.

    Michael Pollan is ashamed of you.

    It’s not to say that all women reject a good guy, but usually they don’t accept a good guy until they’ve been in a string of absolutely awful relationships.  Much like a diabetic — the diabetic doesn’t care about their sugar intake until a doctor has amputated their leg, like that scene in the movie, “Glory.”    

    So guys, guess what?   You get to look forward to a relationship with emotionally one-legged women.

    A smoker doesn’t give a shit about smoking until their first stroke.  I personally won’t actually care about what I eat until my first heart attack.

    Isn’t this always the case?

    Then again, can we really blame girls and women for liking bad guys?  Look at who raised them.

    I’ve watched and listened to enough Dr. Drew to realize that all you ever need to know about a woman is how her relationship was with her parents — especially dear ole Dad.  

    Ask them what their relationship with their Dad was like. 

    My father was a drunken asshole.  All he did was fight with my mom.  This girl is great in bed, but will be a crazy person to deal with.  She will misinterpret intensity for love.  Meanwhile, all you guys do is scream at each other and have wild sex together.

    My Dad was a pretty good guy.  This will be a coin-flip.  Chances this will be a pretty good relationship.  Then again, wait until she’s bored with you and serves you your walking papers.  Your crime: actually listening to her.

    My Dad was the best guy ever.  I’d steer away from this chick.  Chances are she’s a little brat, and will run to her Dad every time you guys fight.  Careful with this one.

    Dad?  What Dad?   Best sex ever.  However, she will push you away and claim that you are too clingy.  Meanwhile, she misinterprets intimacy with clinginess.   

    Men are told to be great listeners, loving, funny and intelligent.  We are also told that true love lasts forever.  But we both know these statements are both lies.  Women will fantasize about a great guy.  Meanwhile, we know nightmares are fantasies realized.  Just look at your female friends — look at their significant others.  Look at how many times you are texted, called, or you meet that friend of yours for lunch and they just bitch and moan about their shitty ass boyfriends.  A good guy vegetable and a stable relationship is a nightmare to them.

    Meanwhile, you know their secret like I do.

    They want candy.       

    • Matt, you are too much. Love this.

      • Randy Graham

      • July 1, 2013 at 9:57 am
      • Reply

      I say, “Let them put A-1 on their veggies!”

      • Hannah Sullivan

      • July 1, 2013 at 9:28 pm
      • Reply

      Oh Matt, you slay me.

      • Weinshilboum

      • July 2, 2013 at 12:46 am
      • Reply

      This.Is. Brilliant!

    • […] much as I love by buddy Matt, I love debating with him even more. We’ve been going back and forth about love and “nice […]

      • Heather Lee Alani

      • August 9, 2013 at 1:31 pm
      • Reply

      sometimes guys really are nice when you meet them, they are caring, protective, and really “good” Listeners. Once they have you sometimes their “true” colors shine through. I don’t think any woman ever fell in love with the guy that slammed the door in her face or treated her like shit. Sometimes she just really wanted to badly to be with the nice guy that she couldn’t see beyond his parade of manipulating lies! 🙁 I was with someone for seven years you would say was the nicest guy if you met him, shit, I thought he was the nicest the guy. Behind his nice guy charade was a very sick evil person. No-one is perfect, not one of us, at times we all have to say “I’m sorry”. Learning to read the heart of a person is more-so the task at hand. P.s. You shouldn’t have to be anything other than you, to attract the right person. No facade needed.

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