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    • Donald Sanders

    • April 30, 2013 in Columnists

    Doing all the thinking on religion

    Religion sure is a funny thing. Now that I’m considered an elder of the City of Winters tribe, I consider myself an expert on religion and I am certainly among the top 10 moral advisers in all of Northern California. If you have a question concerning religion, ethics, or what is or what is not moral behavior, then I am the guy you should go to.

    To begin, I will discuss religion in its varied forms using simple layman’s terms for the simpleminded and those that are just plain dumb. I must, in all good faith, include some of those who read my columns regularly somewhere within this group. I will conclude this column with examples of immoral behavior and statements about what is wrong with this society.

    In this day and age, we have Hindu, Jews, Muslims, Catholics, Baptist, Mormons and Seven Day Advents. There are others but I won’t discuss them at this time because if I say these are good religions then I would have to say that the rest are all bad. As bad as they really are, I cannot actually say they are bad.

    Catholic: Invented by the Son of God, therefore it is the only true religion. It is true that every single practicing Catholic, regularly taking confession, will go to Heaven. To the Catholic, no sin is unforgivable. (Ninety-six percent of all people incarcerated in the California Penal System are Catholic and another two percent are in the county lockup.)

    Mormons: Exactly like Catholics, except they can have multiple spouses and they store enough food to feed themselves for a full year. The food is stored in the great temple so the Catholics cannot steal it and give it away to the poor. Mormons fully expect to watch everybody else slowly starve to death. If you are not a Mormon, you are going to starve to death because they are not going to share.

    Baptist: Probably consist of the smartest people in all of religiousdom. The Baptists are planning to kill the Mormons and take their food. That deed done, they will blame the Catholics and put them all in prison where they will all die and go to Heaven. The Baptist doesn’t mind sending Catholics to die in prison because they know the Catholics get to go to Heaven anyway.

    Hindu/Buddhist: I think those Indian people may have something when they talk about reincarnation all the time. The way I figure it, a man is born and then he dies. After death he finds himself in space in the form of an atom that spins around other atoms until he is reborn as an animal. Eventually he will die again and it all happens again and again, and he returns as a different animal each time until he uses up all the animal life forms and then he will get to be a man again. If something goes terribly wrong because of some mistake along the line, he will come back as a woman.

    Muslim: Eternal enemy of Christians because they cannot prove that their prophet is better looking than Jesus, who had blond hair and blue eyes. The Muslim faithful have a dreaded fear that the Christians are going to steal the junk that they keep in their desert but the Christians know fully well that the Muslims own nothing but grease and sand, and they pretend that it’s valuable.

    Jews: Jews are exceptional businessmen and to them the dollar or pound is the primary reason for existence. Pork at half price is a dilemma to the Jewish. This is true mainly because they trick the Christians into thinking pork is good meat and it tastes good, while on the other hand they claim it is filthy meat, not worthy to be food. In reality, the Jews sell stinky, nasty, pork as food for others but they are above eating it themselves. I find something not right about that.

    Seventh day Advents: I can’t say anything bad about them because I have a friend named Don who practices that religion and he gives me little comic books. It is the gospel truth that he is the only person on Earth that cares about my soul.

    Society: I find it very sad indeed that of all the people in all of the religions, not one single person is willing to nominate me for the Pulitzer Prize or a Nobel Prize. I guess everybody thinks it’s OK for me to do all the thinking and come up with all of the ideas, yet they leave it up to me to nominate myself for a couple of crummy prizes. Will the pain never end? It is very sad indeed, but don’t think for a moment that I would hesitate to send in those nominations!

    • Loved it!

    • Funny. But, I think the Nobel Prize will not find its way to your door. Sorry to say.

      • davidlacy

      • April 30, 2013 at 6:07 pm
      • Reply

      Hahaha. Awesome.

      • Maya North

      • April 30, 2013 at 9:32 pm
      • Reply

      Well, at least you are an equal opportunity offender of the faithful 😉 <3

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