Donald Sanders Memorial
Lately I’ve been thinking about my own mortality. I hate the thought that I will pass away to the great nothing and no one will remember me, so I’ve come up with an ingenious plan. Sometimes I’m so clever I amaze myself. I’ve decided that we need to erect the Donald Sanders Memorial Statue right at the corner of Main Street and Railroad Avenue in lovely downtown Winters, California.
All we have to do now is figure out where the memorial will stand and decide what the actual character of the statue itself will be. I have a few ideas, so I’ll just toss them into the hat and see how the wind blows the ball into the pocket. I’ve done some pretty heavy thinking about this for a couple of hours now so here’s what I came up with.
I think the best spot for the memorial is right smack in the middle of the intersection of Main and Railroad. Of course that would mean changing the traffic into a roundabout circle thingy but that’s OK, we can do that easily if we take out those penis pole thingys. Roundabouts, in general, are pretty easy to negotiate if you are an American, but those Englishmen and Frenchmen always seem to have a problem with them because they always get to going the wrong direction.
This would be an easy problem to solve if we just put a sign on the bridge that says, “No Englishmen or Frenchmen are allowed to drive in the city of Winters.” Now this might make them a little bit angry, but I don’t think they are dumb enough to say anything about it or we won’t come and help them the next time the Germans come-a-knocking on their door. Anyway, with the NSA listening to what everybody is saying, those foreigners won’t feel safe taking any action against us because they might end up in some prison in Cuba with the rest of those Buddhas, if you know what I mean.
The second proposed spot for the memorial is on the far northeastern corner of the same intersection. It’s a really good spot, but there’s a big Palm tree there that some old lady planted about 500 years ago. That’s OK though, we’ll just have to take that tree out. That darn tree has been there long enough anyway. If you think about it, you’ll see that if we put the memorial on the corner where the tree was, then it would free the intersection up for one of those Arch de Triumph thingys like they have in France, only we would have to put a sign on it saying, “Gateway to the Don Sanders Memorial Statue.” I like that idea too.
Problem number two is the character of the statue. (That means what it will look like to you laymen.) Well, it just so happens I have some ideas on that too. At first, I thought something like the Vietnam Memorial that stands in Washington D. C. would be nice but with one big name “Don Sanders” instead of a bunch of other names. However, I decided against that in favor of a statue of a rearing wild stallion with a depiction of me in the saddle waving my hat in the air like that Ben Franklin guy in the Rough-riders.
Problem number five is the cost. I’m thinking the City of Winters might have to cough up around a million and a half bucks for a really nice memorial statue, which is fine with me. We could make up that money in just a few years with the installation of a few parking meters on Main Street and a few toll booths on the bridges coming into town.
Something like this could mean a lot of revenue for our fair city. People would come from near and far just to stand near the statue, and in time, word will spread across the nation, from sea to sea that the city of Winters knows how to honor great men like me. Well, this is almost a done deal, so if you’re thinking about complaining about a Don Sanders Memorial, just remember the NSA is watching out for those who gripe and whine about what we do in the good old USA.
Yes sir, a Don Sanders Memorial statue is a very good idea if I do say so. Well, technically, I’m not dead yet, so it would be called “The Don Sanders Pre-Memorial Statue,” but that’s OK too.