We don’t want your stinkin’ guns
Nobody’s coming for your firearms, Pee Pants, so stand the fuck down. This is all about keeping guns out of the hands of bad guys. If you’re on the No Fly List, you shouldn’t own an Uzi. If you want to terrorize and kill people, you should not possess an AK-47. Mentally ill? No Glock for you.
I know you want to make this about your Second Amendment rights (written in 1791, by the way), but it’s not. How did you go from mass shootings of six-year-olds, movie goers, Mother Emanuel worshipers and gay night clubbers to your right to bear arms? Maybe you want to believe it’s about you because it feeds into your wet dream fantasy of President Obama and Hillary Clinton personally coming to your barricaded front door to confiscate your arsenal. But think about it, Einstein. There are over 350 million guns in the U.S. and only about 324 million people. Sorry to be a boner-shrinker, but even if the government wanted to help you live out your Rambo-style fairy tale, it’s never gonna happen.
And it’s not just guns you’re clinging to, is it? Did Obama nail that one or what!
Public restroom door handles apparently will also have to be pried from your cold, dead hands because you took another leap, this time from transgender equality to bathroom child stalking. You think a man is going to dress up like a woman so he/she can grab a kid in a public restroom? What happened to you in your formative years that sparked this thought process? Show me on the doll where Uncle Sheila touched you when you were seven. You need to know your weird uncle was a pedophile and that’s a crime. Being LGBT is not.
Let’s take another tiny leap and assume you also fought against gay marriage to protect the “sanctity” of your marriage. How many times have we heard “once men can marry men, what’s next, animals?” Were you born with a freak gene that makes your brain rationalize the irrational just to prove your point? Or is this is a case of nurture vs. nature? Did your parents say the same thing about interracial marriage? And did we become a society of goat fuckers? No, we did not.
Or maybe your spongy brain is being squeezed by your radio God, the king of connecting unrelated dots, Rush Limbaugh. Rush digs in his corn-fed heels on guns, gays, transgender bathrooms, Barack Obama’s motives and pretty much everything else you want to believe in. Limbaugh infamously made the ungrounded connection between birth control and promiscuity. I’m pretty sure he’s just plain batshit so I’m not going to waste any time delving into his syndicated noggin.
But I do wonder what’s in your DNA. Of course, not all gun owners are homophobic sexist bigots. The majority of those who have guns are very good people. But if you hit that trifecta and are a gun-hording, government-hating, gay-bashing American, guess what? We still don’t want your guns. To be clear we also don’t want you seated next to us at a dinner party, preferring instead you spend the evening at home cleaning your aforementioned firearms.
Your numbers may be small, but you have the most powerful lobbyists in Washington on your side. The NRA blocks any and all legislation that limits gun sales to good guys, bad guys and all those in between. You probably aren’t even an NRA member but that doesn’t stop you from reaping the benefits of their influence on lawmakers across this country. You, my friend, wield political power.
I don’t know what makes you tick but I do worry about you. You add to your stockpile every time there’s a mass shooting, in fear of that urban legend about a national registry and a knock on your door. I’m concerned you may be one pink slip or broken heart away from becoming a bad guy with a gun.
So let’s lighten things up a bit and lose the paranoia. Nobody wants to take away your Second Amendment rights. Well okay, some of us question its relevance 225 years later since we’ve long been free from the British. But we’re willing to put that aside for now to focus our energy and resources on keeping guns out of the wrong hands.
Think of it this way. It’s just common sense to modify our First Amendment right of free speech by agreeing it’s not cool to yell “fire” in a theater. So why not add a qualifier to the Second Amendment? Let’s work together to identify the people who are not fit to bear arms. And while we’re at it, how about a little more clarity around the word “arms?”