Easy to start — harder to finish
Most of what I start goes unfinished. Could be anything, like television shows, column ideas scattered throughout my journal, doodles lost in drawing notebooks, and even those books collecting dust on my shelves. They all have two things in common — they are owned by me and they go unfinished.
It’s a cycle in my life — things tend to be forgotten about and lay hidden away until I get around to them again. I admit it, I’m lazy and a professional procrastinator. I have no concept of time, which leads to my laziness. I have time for that. I’ll get to it in an hour, but those times never come.
I also blame the person I am when I get depressed. She’s just awful. She’s a black hole for fun and things that excite me, which causes me to get into a funk instead. I am forever stuck in a wake up, eat, work and mess around on the internet funk whenever she’s around and she’s been around for a while. What effort does it take to move my eyes on a page? So then why choose to waste my life away browsing meaningless things online when I could be exercising my mind? It’s like my fingers only know two websites to go to. They’re both social networks, too. Such a waste.
Unfortunately, I’m also one of those people who needs validation every now and then. I so envy the people who can do whatever they want and feel validated on their own. What it must feel like to be one of them. It’s like I can’t take pride in something unless someone else thinks it’s good too. I can’t draw unless it’s a masterpiece. I can’t write without being graded. It’s hard to express and I’m sure it’s even harder to understand.
Even now, I want to give up, save this and go find something else to do. We both know that “something else” will be vegging out in front of my many screens. It’s easy to maintain a funk and change is hard. Change is so hard — why is it so hard? When I really don’t want to do something like clean the kitchen but force myself to do it anyway, it becomes easier to stay with it. I might even go crazy and clean other rooms. I should remember this next time I want to eat a brownie and eat a carrot stick instead.
One day I will learn all the secrets to being my own person. One day I will open the door and let depressed me and all her funks out and not let them back in. That day might not be today, but it will sit and fester in my mind until I do something about it. So maybe today is that day. It needs to be a conscious effort. Let that nagging feeling overwhelm me until I can’t take it anymore. Then the only thing left to do is finish what I started.