Everything figured out
by Donald K. Sanders
Big news this week! Big news. I’m going to tell you all about my plan to make us all a big wad of cash. All you have to do is listen to me. The time is perfect and all of the key figures are in perfect position to make this plan work like a bowel soaked in caster oil. I didn’t have to think a whole heck of a lot about this because it is not a new plan — I thought of this a long time ago.
In the past, I had a lot of trouble just trying to get somebody to acknowledge the fact that my plan really exists and is feasible in its nature. Many have already guessed what I’m talking about and yes, I’m talking about “The Sanders Particle” or the “Higgs Particle” as the outsiders call it. (Outsider by definition is someone that lives outside the city limits of the city of Winters, California.)
I’ll break it down for you, AGAIN, and this time you’d better pay attention because if we don’t build my particle accelerator this time, I’m going to start my own town across the creek and build it myself. If I’m forced to go to that sort of extreme action and I have to do all of the work myself, well I’m sorry to say that you, my fine furry friends, will get none of the profit. Profit is a word some numbers guy made up to describe cash, cold cash that jingles in your pocket.
Here’s a little history of my well thought out plan and what I have been doing to get this project under way. Some years ago, I sent John Donlevy, our city manager, a detailed drawing of how I thought our accelerator should be built and financed. At that time I wasn’t rich like I am now, so I suggested the City of Winters pay for approximately 4,322 eight foot pieces of four foot ID reinforced concrete pipe. The cost would have been minimal, say 50 bucks or a little more.
I suggested we put the pipe underground so no one could see it but we needed to leave a small hole so everybody could see it was really there. At that time, I also suggested that we say we had discovered the Sanders/Higgs Particle. It is a fact that no one has ever seen or actually could ever see the particle because it would be the smallest thing in existence. It would have to be as small as the head of a pin or the head of a .1123145” nail. The plan was to sell packages of empty air to tourists, saying the particle was inside but you would have to have an electronical microscope to see it.
It was a perfect plan but alas, no one would give me a red cent for the plan of a lifetime. Had the plan gone through we all would be wallowing in cash at this very moment. Think of it! We’d be just like little piggies rolling around in thousand dollar bills snorting, “Oink, oink, more money, more, more, more!” We would be so happy, so happy.
I can’t remember for sure but I think the city manager, John Donlevy, sent my drawing back with this comment written on it. It said, “Sorry little guy. Maybe you should give this drawing to your teacher. I’ll bet you would get a good grade. But thanks for sharing.” At least I think I remember this happening, maybe not.
We have to consider this plan now because the CERN Accelerator over there in Switzerland (Just north of Africa, I think) is saying they’re going to announce that they have the Higgs particle. Holy crap! We only have a week or so to get it done and announce it to the world or those guys are gonna get all the money for an invisible thingy.
Here is my new plan. It’s short and sweet because we don’t have a lot of time. Ready, here it is:
• Since we have a new Mayor, Cecilia Aguiar-Curry, the timing is perfect. She is the perfect person to announce our accelerator to the world. From what I understand she is a very intelligent and warm-hearted person. On top of that, it doesn’t hurt us that she happens to be very pretty. A lot prettier than Woody Fridae. However, Mr. Fridae is a good-looking man, uh huh. (No I’m not gay, I’m a married man but I do think a lot about him in a plutonic way and he is very handsome, yeah.)
• We already have the construction company in place near the creek, so we just slip them a few bucks to say they built the collider ring around the Winters Nature Park. Since they are building a path around the park, it will look like the ring is actually under there. If someone wants to look inside the ring, we simply tell them, “It’s classified!”
• We print out a bunch of pamphlets saying, “World awaits latest results in hunt for Higgs particle.” Wait, I mean Sanders Particle.
• I suggest we have Tony Luna and Juan Valeriano of the City of Winters, present the work to the public as the administrator and head engineer of the project. They’re two really good looking guys so they will fit in like oil on a.. Well never mind about that.
• We have to bury at least one piece of pipe just in case someone digs it up on 20/20 or some TV show like that.
• The rest is easy street. We simply staple sandwich bags to a label saying the Sanders Particle is inside and sell it all over town for like 50 bucks each. How the hell is anyone going to dispute that the particle is not in the package, it’s the smallest thing in the world, right? Huh! Perfect!
Sometimes I amaze myself. I wonder what I could do if I used my whole brain when I think?
This will work, trust me.