• author
    • Donald Sanders

    • January 17, 2017 in Columnists

    Fan mail

    Sometimes my fans send in little comments to my email when they like my column. Some of the comments aren’t too positive but at least they are comments. My wife thinks all of these comments were written by the devil because he would be the most likely to criticize a great writer like me. While reading these comments, if you see something you have sent in, well I hope you feel guilty about making me cry.

    Of course, some of these don’t really mean what is written. They might be joking, right?

    • “Stop babbling like an idiot. It must suck to be you.”
    • “Thank God someone took the time to put this crap together.”
    • “You write like a monkey.”
    • “You are too stupid to own a computer.”
    • “You had better watch what you write about, they are watching!”
    • “You are a moron!”
    • “When you run on the short bus do you hit your face on the back window?”
    • From the Pulitzer Prize Committee: “Stop sending in nominations, you cannot nominate yourself, especially if you don’t send in the nomination fee.”
    • “Dear Mr. Sanders, fresh ideas are rare in today’s newspapers. Unfortunately, you wouldn’t know a fresh idea if you ran into it on your short bus going wherever you go to write this crap!”
    • “Donald, I think you need a six month vacation, twice a year.”
    • “There are three rules for good writing. Unfortunately, you don’t know what they are.”
    • “Someone has to be an awesome writer, too bad it’s not you.”
    • “Donald, you are quite accomplished at writing sad stories. The more I read your column, the sadder I get.”
    • “Donald, I’m sorry to inform you that the light at the end of the tunnel is just you being shoved out of another vagina. It is not ethical to attempt to charge a dying person a fee for helping them get into heaven. You are a very crooked man.”
    • “Grandpa, are you retarded? Grandma says you are.”
    • “Donald Sanders, this is mental abuse!”
    • “Mr. Sanders, one day you will be a great writer; but not today!”
    • “My goodness Mr. Sanders, this was close. This column was almost readable.”
    • “Ugh… Do you really have to write? Why don’t you stick to pulling weeds down at the creek?”
    • “Donald, I think your train of thought left the station without you.”
    • “Nothing screws up my Thursday like reading your column.”
    • “Honey, I love you but if you ever write about my side of the family again, I will kill you!”
    • “Just because you can write a column doesn’t mean you should.”
    • “Donald, I sure hope this newspaper doesn’t pay you for this crap.”
    • “After reading this I will never read the newspaper again.”
    • “Really, who are you trying to bullshit?”

    Well, it could be worse.

      • Sandra McPherson

      • January 26, 2017 at 1:46 pm
      • Reply

      Don, remember years ago you cleaned the black widows out of my shed? Well, I put lines about that in a poem, and it just got accepted today–a literary magazine in the South. That’s the second poem you’re published in, memorable friend. SMcP, Davis

    Leave a Comment