Fearless rock hunters face new challenges
by Donald K. Sanders
I fear that my way of life will be soon altered forever. Events that are out of my control are changing everything for me and I’m not sure if the effects of these events will trickle down, down, down, the hill to where the rest of you are. Of course, I speak platonically — perfect in form or conception but not found in reality.
My friend Steve is a big, tough, figure of a man, but when I told him about the events that may be just out of sight and headed our way, he began to cry like a baby girl. I thought I was going to have to slap him around a bit to help him stop slobbering all over himself. I have to tell you that when I first heard of what was going to happen, I too felt like crying.
Brace yourself, I’m just going to blurt it out: There’s is a new rock hunter in town.
I’ll give you a few moments to soak in the news…
Up until now, my friend Steve and I were able to keep control of the rock hunting business in this area, “this area” being west of Intertate 505, south of Madison, north of Vacaville, and I don’t know what our area is east of. Then a few years ago, there were terrible rock hunting wars around here because those guys that live in the next town, Davis, kept coming into our area and taking our rocks away.
You probably didn’t hear about it, but there was a lot of shooting and beatings and it was all over rocks. Big rocks, little rocks, and all the other size rocks, was what those other guys were after. Our rocks. Anyway, it was decided in the courts that Steve and I were in control over whatever rocks were lying around here, and those other guys didn’t get anything. They drove off crying like little girls.
Not since those great rock hunters’ wars has there been such a threat to our rockdom. I’m afraid that this new rock hunter will cause some waves in the sandbox. I heard about him weeks before I actually came face to face with him. It seems that he is really, really good at rock hunting.
I had figured him to be one of those 98-pound geeks like those other guys from the next town. I was dead wrong! This new rock hunter’s name is Andrew Tremayne, and I’m afraid that he is a “Master Rockhunter!” There is a tidbit of information that makes this even more important. Mr. Tremayne has moved to my town! Ta da!
Like I said, I thought he was going to be a little geek, and like I said, “I was wrong.” The day I came face to face with this guy was Saturday the 13th of August. I was intent on doing some work for his wife, who happens to be Sara Tremayne, of Putah Creek Council fame. (Notice the same last name?)
So there I was, talking to Sara about which weeds I could cut down and which weeds were the good ones so don’t cut them, right? All of a sudden, Sara says, “Donald, this is my husband, Andrew.” So I jump around like that fat guy on Animal House and there he was. It was like slow motion. He was walking straight at me, offering his hand in a ritualistic peace offering. This guy was no geek. I’ve seen geeks before, and he is not one of them.
Anyway, this guy is like a cool drink of water — hexagonal water! You’re not going to believe it, but at first I thought he was Charlton Hesston, except for the fact that Andrew is better looking. To make things worse, he is a trained, highly educated, professional rock hunter who has hunted rocks all over the stinking globe! Not only that, he has a whole crew of rock hunters with shovels and little brushes that live in tents wherever he tells them to pitch them. I looked online and I swear that he carries a shotgun while he’s on his “digs,” as he calls them.
This is a nightmare! The Department of the Interior and U C Davis pays the guy to dig rocks and he travels by aeroplane everywhere he goes. Normally, Steve and I would just bushwhack the guy and beat him up, but I don’t think we’re up to that task now. I don’t know what to do, and Steve won’t come out of his bathroom. When Steve saw the black and blue condition of my hand after Andrew had shook it, he just screamed and ran into the bathroom. His wife Kellie keeps banging on the door saying, “Steve come out of the bathroom!”
Anyway, all that we can hope for is that maybe this Andrew rock hunter guy, comes in peace. I think I’ll welcome him and his wife to Winters, since I’m still King of Winters, California.