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    • Shannon Mortenson

      Columnist
    • September 4, 2014 in Columnists

    Fifty tidbits of info, advice and wisdom for my goddaughter

    1)    Every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future.

    2)    Never trust a single matchmaker.

    3)    Change is inevitable, and it can be as terrifying as it is beneficial.

    4)    When people claim that “Mondays suck,” it’s their job and their life that suck.

    5)    Smoking weed will not make you a bad person, just as going to church doesn’t make other people good.

    6)    A pet’s unconditional love is incomparable to any other type of love.

    7)    Life will never be strictly black and white. BE the gray area, Charli!

    8)    Dinner is ready BEFORE the smoke alarm goes off.

    9)    No matter how jaded or cynical one may be, positive thinking changes everything.

    10)    Inner strength is a very powerful tool.

    11)    No matter how impatient you may get, ALWAYS let your nail polish dry before the next coat.

    12)    Wisdom comes with experience, not just age.

    13)    Haters are everywhere, hiding in the shadows of others’ success. Pay them no mind.

    14)    Make sure to always balance your inner Good and Evil. Too nice, people take advantage. Too mean, well, that explains itself. (Watch me and take notes, Little One)

    15)    Nothing is louder than silence.

    16)    Hello Kitty is NOT a cat. In fact, she is a girl from London with a twin sister. (I was born in the ’80s — this was earth shattering news to me.)

    17)    If you ever get arrested, call me.

    18)    BBC is NOT the abbreviation for a British version of CNN…

    19)    Whenever something seems too good to be true, IT ALWAYS FUCKING IS!!

    20)    Success is possible without a college education, but YOU ARE GOING TO COLLEGE, Little Miss!!

    21)    The way to your mom’s heart is through tofu and Sangria.

    22)    Keep your Mortenson-style opinions about religion and politics to yourself.

    23)    An unexpected kiss on the forehead can make you feel more loved than if you actually heard the words “I Love You”.

    24)    Disney movies are not innocent in any way. (You’ll see.)

    25)    Suck it in when necessary.

    26)    You won’t be able to step foot into my job or buy cigarettes until the year 2032.

    27)    Life isn’t always fun, but it’s always an adventure.

    28)    Kill ‘em with kindness (this is where that aforementioned inner strength comes in handy).

    29)    Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.

    30)    Only eat when you’re hungry. Stop when you’re full. “Bored eating” is a silent killer.

    31)    Family should always come first, even if we’re nuts.

    32)    Drugs are bad, mmmmkay? (Except for #5)

    33)    You can (will!) accomplish ANYTHING you dream up.

    34)    When you’re in second grade, you’ll be taller than me.

    35)    Eating dirt will not kill you.

    36)    If you can drive stick shift, you can drive anything.

    37)    Always be aware of your surroundings.

    38)    Never take an autumn scene or a beautiful sunset for granted. LITERALLY stop and smell the roses once in awhile. Life is short.

    39)    Sometimes the anticipation of something is the best part about it.

    40)    Your dad and I will teach you how to properly buy, clean, handle and use a gun.

    41)    Pit Bulls are sweeter dogs than Shih Tzus and Poodles.

    42)    Don’t put a hundred small toys on top of ceiling fan blades and turn it on full blast. (It’s always fun and games until someone loses an eye…)

    43)    It’s almost impossible to fail art class.

    44)    Crying does not make you weak, it means you’ve been strong for so long.

    45)    Girls don’t fart. Even Mortenson girls.

    46)    Always escape to music and books. They can remove you from any situation temporarily.

    47)    Road trips sound like a blast, until you’re an hour in and you get bored.

    48)    You haven’t lived until you’ve tried Lomo Saltado (please don’t be a vegetarian like your Mama Z so that I may one day introduce you to edible Peruvian bliss).

    49)    Confidence is everything. If ever you lack, fake it ’til you make it, girl!

    50)    Having two REAL friends compared to 102 fake ones, is always better. High School Society may lead you to believe different, but any adult will agree with me.

    Always know that I’m here, Baby Girl, because as of this day, in the beginning of September of 2014, you are the closest thing I’ve ever had to a daughter thus far, and I truly cherish your existence. I will always love you, Charli. Always. Xoxo

                                                                                        ~Auntie Shan Shan

     

     



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