• Finding Jeans is Tough When You’re a Super Slim

    by Debra DeAngelo

    Finally. Blue jeans that fit. Cute ones, not soccer mom jeans that scream “Not tonight, honey, I have a headache” or those, bulky high-waisted things with elastic waistbands that make your butt look like two saggy sacks of flour.

    Why do I have a problem fitting into jeans? Because I wear a size that doesn’t exist: a 16 Slim. Which seems like an oxymoron, but it’s not. Imagine, if you will, that you wear a size 14 Slim. And then you go up a size. Yes, you’re one size larger. But it doesn’t mean that you magically grew hips and a butt. You’re still a Slim, only bigger. But no curvier.

    Sadly, most blue jeans (even in the smaller sizes) are cut for women with curves. It’s all about the hourglass. Me, I’ve got curves. But they’re in all the wrong places. If I were an hourglass, the hour would be over in two seconds. The sand would fall right through.

    And it’s not like I’m a freak of nature. I’m not the only one who, when she pulls on a pair of jeans that fit at the waist, has five yards of denim hanging down where our butts should be. We aren’t the apple-shaped ones, necessarily. More like tube shaped. Which is fine for hotdogs and cookie dough packages. Not so much for finding cute jeans.

    I’m part of such an ignored and unappreciated group. Nobody ever sings our praises. When the DJ plays “Baby Got Back,” all the girls with healthy hineys scamper to the dance floor and celebrate their bodacious bootays. Yeah, Sir Mix-A-Lot likes ‘em big and round and juicy. Hey… what about big and flat and droopy? When are you gonna record, “Baby Got Front” so us flat-backs can shake it like a Polaroid picture too? Not our butts, I mean.

    I know. That image makes everyone cringe a little. But we exist too, and we want our own sexy songs on the dance floor. And jeans that fit.

    We weren’t always the undesirables, mind you. Back in the ‘70s, girls shaped like me had it goin’ on. Why? One word: Dittos. They were cut high, straight and skin-tight, and those of us with all the curves of an ironing board could slide right into those Dittos and still be able to breathe. Everyone else had to suck it in and use pliers to get the zippers up.

    Actually, us flat-backs have a cameo in “Baby Got Back.” We’re the snarky ones in the beginning of the song dissin’ everyone else. You know… the ones who are promptly forgotten when the music starts. Snark went a lot farther in tight white Dittos.

    Anyway.

    Back in the day, besides Dittos, there were plenty of slim cuts to be found. “Slim.” What a lovely way to say “Baby Got No Back.” It puts the best spin on the truth. It’s the other end of the spectrum from “Relaxed Fit,” which is a tactful way of saying “Baby Got Too Much Back.” Although “relaxed” isn’t such a bad adjective for jeans, it’s not really sexy, and sexy sells. So recently, more and more “relaxed fit” jeans are being peddled as “Curvy” cut.

    It’s not 1977 anymore. “Curvy” is totally sexy now. We can thank J-Lo and Beyonce for that, and the Kardashians have turned huge hineys into a franchise (unless they have some sort of unapparent talent that I can’t detect, just like I can’t hear dog whistles). So yes, “curvy” is “in” again.

    Marilyn, you can turn back over in your grave now.

    Given that the jeans companies have figured out an attractive way to sell jeans to the bubble-butt set, you’d think Levi’s – the gold standard in jeans – would have done the same for us board-butts too. But no. It never pays to think, does it. Not when it comes to women’s fashion.

    Here, they have a fabulous product that fits perfectly, doesn’t look like Grandma would wear them to Bingo night at the Senior Center, slim cut jeans for the not so slim, and what brilliant name do the marketing geniuses come up with to attract customers? “Fuller Waist.” How sexy is that. One notch above two saggy sacks of flour, maybe? They don’t call size 14 Slim and down a fuller waist. Those are still “Slim.” Idiots. Isn’t the answer obvious? They should have called the 16s and up Super Slims! We’d be lining up to buy those!

    If only the big and buttless had a J-Lo or Beyonce of our own to make our body shape acceptable too. Somebody give Cameron Diaz a few burgers and fatten her up a little. She’ll do. That girl’s butt would make a pancake look curvy.

    In the meantime… Levi’s – could you work on spinning the name for your wonderful new “Fuller Waist” jeans before you have to discontinue them because women refuse to touch anything that says “Fuller Waist” unless they’re shopping for two? And if you don’t have anyone in marketing who can pull that off, call me.

    And by the way… Super Slim? Consider it trademarked.



    • I love Not Your Mothers Jeans as well as jeans from Cabi (home sales). They actually put extra denim in the back to give people butts. Of course I have a butt but friends do not and they love these two types of jeans that I mention above. Hope Levi takes you up on your offer. Very funny piece today. Always enjoy your musings.


      • Judy

      • March 23, 2011 at 9:20 am
      • Reply

      I laughed out loud the whole time I read this. Fuller waist–I think not. Super slim might get me back into a pair of jeans, though I’m not betting on it.


      • Christy

      • March 23, 2011 at 9:26 am
      • Reply

      Love this!! I can tell you though…no matter your size, your curvature, or waist thickness…it’s a jean jungle out there…my favorite jeans by far are still my maternity jeans….stretch waist for those “all-you-can-eat” type meals! Glad you found a pair for your derriere!


      • Norbie Kumagai

      • March 23, 2011 at 10:50 am
      • Reply

      Hello Debra!! I’m still laughing!! When I shop for jeans (which I always wear), the problem I have is not in the waist but the length… It actually doesn’t matter if I purchase a pair with a 29 length or a 32 length because I always need mine altered!!

      Our Lovely Niece Nikea had our Mom try on her “Skinny Jeans” and they actually fit…

      Thanks For Making My Day!!!!



    • So funny Debra! I feel your pain. I’ve got a butt but no waist or hips to speak of, so guess I too am tubular.

      Hey, there’s a name for our flared-leg jeans; “Tubular Bells”. Oh wait- that was the theme song for “The Exorcist”. I’ll keep thinking…

      Have you tried out those pajama jeans yet? My friend just got a pair and loves them. I want!!!



    • I wear sweats around home, when they get dirty, I turn them inside-out. Works fine for me because they have a string to hold them up over the butt that I lost somewhere along the line.I have the belley buldge in front that provides curvature but from the back, I’m as flat as the floor. I’m thinking about having some lyposuction juice pumped in so I can have a butt, once more. I’m also thinking that the flat butt thingy is the cause of my ever plaguing toilet seat polio that causes me to shuffle out of the bathroom with one leg flopping and the other dragging behind. I know that’s a lot of thinking for me but such is life. I think it is?


      • Jesse

      • March 24, 2011 at 7:17 pm
      • Reply

      Baby I’ve got back and I cannot lie. Junk in the trunk, enough for an episode of Horders! I feel your pain, but my pain is more about getting my bump into pants and not having a mile of fabric at the waist. j



    • Jesse, the junk in your trunk is a treasure trove! 😀



    • Hollye – I have not heard of pajama jeans! Tell me more!



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