Five Steps to Increase Your Brain Power
by Donald K. Sanders
I’ve been trying to figure out why I’m so smart. I’m not just a little smart, I’m way smarter than everybody else. I’ve never, in my long, long life met anyone who is smarter than me.
My friend Steve is pretty smart too, but I can think circles around him, anytime. It’s like slow motion and my mind is going around his, like, real fast. By the time he thinks about something, I have already thought about it.
You know, now that I’m thinking about it, people seem to trust me more than they do Steve. Even Steve’s own family. Yes, it’s sad but true. For instance, Steve’s wife Kellie seems to trust me more than she does her own husband.
I know this to be true because when Steve and I are going hiking or garage sale-ing, she will tell me, “Don, don’t let Steve bring home any more junk.” You see what I mean. The poor lady has to tell me to do what she can’t trust her husband to do.
It’s really sad because sometimes when I pick Steve up at his house, he will be crying as he comes out of the house. I’ll say, “Aw Steve, don’t cry. What’s the matter buddy?” But I already know the answer. It’s always the same. “Kellie won’t let me bring home any more junk,” he’ll whine.
So, now you’re thinking, why is Don so trustworthy, and so smart? Well, it’s a natural fact that size does matter. I was born, as a small child, with a huge brain. I’m not sure how old I was at the time and I can’t remember why, but it’s really true. I have a big brain!
It seems that 50 percent of our intelligence is genetic and the other 60 percent comes from your environment. I hope I’m not going too fast for you readers out there, but I’ll slow down anyway and lay down the facts for your examination. If, like I said before, you too think I’m really trustworthy, you can skip this part and just assume that I’m correct in my findings.
DISTRACTION — that’s the key word here. It is a scientific fact that those of you who are distracted from any task at hand have more grey matter in your brain. I therefore offer you clue number one: I get distracted all the time!
I’ve got too much brain matter. As a matter of fact, I’m considering a brain matter reduction, but I’d have to travel all the way to Germany to get one. That’s clue number two.
Clue number three might hurt the feminine side of the human race thingy. Around these parts, men have anywhere from 8 to 10 percent more brain matter than women do, and I have another 15 percent more than that. Thus, as the evidence indicates, I am a big-brained guy!
I rest my case, thus proving that I am the smartest guy in the world. I have discovered, through my research, steps that can be taken to increase your brain matter. There are 10 steps. I will now list five of these steps for your consideration for free. The other five steps will cost you $31.57 in gold bullion. Checks and cash are not accepted.
Here are five steps that you can take to increase your brain matter:
• Stretch your mind. (Step # 6 will tell you how)
• Eat brain food. (Brain food is not green — it is meat)
• Take a 47-minute walk every day.
• Learn to cope with stress. (This is accomplished by letting someone else make all of the decisions.)
• Daydream away. (This comes naturally to a mind as large as mine.)
Just the other day, I was considering an experiment that would dramatically modulate attention using transcranial direct current.
If my data is correct, it could have an effect on people whose distractibility becomes problematic. (Like Steve) I would have this data for you at this time, but Steve wouldn’t let me hook up the wires after inserting a nail to each side of his brain.
All of this doesn’t mean that you, as normal brained people, are smarter than one another. It simply indicates that you use your brains differently than I do.