Out shopping for shoes with my son yesterday, I of course, was ogling the newest fashions in the windows, but feeling an increased sense of panic as I realized – I wore all these fashions the first time they were in style (ie: before they became “retro”). I was a fashion maven back then. I was in a band, I could take fashion risks….but now? None of these clothes are for me anymore. NONE!
I will not be wearing tight midriff baring tees with graffiti scrawled over the front, nor mini skirts or jeans with shredded knees that seem to only come in size zero through three. Nor am I ready to shop for shapeless body shrouds at Chicos. So what are my clothing options? I can’t live my entire life in yoga pants and t-shirts.
That’s when I began fantasizing about opening my own store. It will be called –
Everything in the store will be made from Spanx. Everything. Bathing suits, coats, even shoes. I will carry the REAL miracle bra, which will gather the odd estrogen-laced fat from your armpits and put it back where it belongs… Voila- you just gained a cup size! You’re welcome.
Seamless panties will be comfortable, breathable, and will stretch from just under your bra all the way to your knees…oh and they will be drop dead sexy. How, you wonder? I do not know. This is my fantasy- don’t ruin it.
I’ll carry camel-toe resistant jeans that lift your ass, and cover your entire buttcrack with a double enforced muffin-top eliminator. My tee shirts will be jiggle proof, and my blouses will tone your upper arms while you wear them, revealing only the cleavage on your chest, not on your back.
For Fall, I’ll feature turtlenecks which push the fat under your chin up into your cheekbones. Or your lips. Yes ladies, there will be two choices.
My best selling shoe will be the Optical Illusion Flat that tricks men into thinking you’re wearing five inch Manolo Blanick’s. They eliminate corns, and exfoliate your callouses as you walk. Oh, and they come with invisible socks. Warm, fuzzy ones.
Everything in the store will make you look like a sexy middle aged Katherine Deneuve, whether you’re black, white, asian, hispanic…you’ll look exactly like her in a rainbow of colors. Men will drop dead with overwhelming desire as you walk past.
My tag line: Nothing is sexier than an experienced woman who has lived well, knows who she is and walks with her head held high, covered from head to toe in spanx.
Yes, ladies, I’m striking back at the fashion industry. And I think I’m going to be very, very rich.