• Gays have a lot to learn about marriage

    I’ve changed my mind. I don’t think monogamous gay and lesbian couples should be able to wed.

    Throughout my life (including during my childhood), I’ve had at least a dozen mentors and friends who identify themselves as either gay, bi-sexual, or transgender, and I’ve only recently come to the realization that none of them — at least not the ones I know personally — are ready for the holiest of institutions: marriage.

    One of my gay mentors has been with his wedded partner for nearly 15 years (they married during the brief legalization in California a couple of years ago). The two have a boring suburban home in the hills with hardwood floors, a flat-screen television, surround sound speakers, a small fuel-efficient vehicle in the driveway, and a tidy welcome mat at the front door. A genuine spirit of love and harmony fills the home and does not go unnoticed by passing guests who frequently drop by for cold beers and good conversation.

    From the majority of marriages I’ve witnessed in my own life, the domestic qualities listed above are simply not going to cut it. In order to be a real married couple, these two example individuals require frequent and stressful contention, long periods of sexless apathy, and at least two divorces under their belts (my own father is heading towards his fourth marriage for heaven’s sake)! How can you appreciate the sanctity and commitment of marriage if you’ve only done it once? My own parents have reiterated their commitment a total of seven times between the two of them; now that’s what I call genuine marital dedication!

    Another married gay mentor/friend of mine was a Physical Education instructor at the junior high school I attended. A few years ago she and her spouse decided to adopt a child. Before officially gaining custody of the beautiful kid, the couple worked anxiously and excitedly to baby-proof the house, research the best and safest car seats available on the market, stock the storage unit with diapers, and re-paint the nursery in bright, attractive colors

    But this woman and her partner need to understand something: Married straight couples don’t need to worry about those things. Let me clarify one point here: I’m certainly not arguing that the vast majority of straight married couples don’t do precisely what these two women did; I’m simply noting that even if a straight couple were relatively negligent in doing all of the aforementioned activities, they would still be legally married. (Excluding cases of real abuse and negligence, in which anyone would get their ass hauled in by C.P.S.) Bottom line: My friend/mentor’s extraordinary preparation for a child was entirely unnecessary, and if they were a real married couple, they might have known better.

    Last, but not least, prior to finding a “soul mate” and getting married, gay couples often live a promiscuous, party-esque life. You may find a few (not all) 20-something gay men and women in gay bars, flirting and dance grinding, exchanging numbers and sometimes even engaging in one-night stands.

    Now clearly, this cannot be tolerated. And it must not lead to marriage.

    If, however, on the other hand, a straight sorority girl went to a club wearing a revealing skirt and a cleavage line you could lodge a pack of cigarettes and your drink in, this could be an ideal opportunity to meet Mr. Ring-Finger. Get on the floor, hump-dance (which basically simulates sex in unison with the bass-throbbing rhythm and can be seen in almost in any dance club anywhere), and at the conclusion of the harmonic orgy of movement, either exchange cell phone digits or better yet, just go home with the dude! You can take the walk of shame in the morning… preferably before he even gets up and notices you’re gone, thus avoiding post-coital-one-night-stand awkwardness.

    To be fair, the previous example does not occur very often. Usually one-night-stands and hook-ups amongst straight couples occur only on days ending in “y.” A few young gay partiers admittedly get geared up for these same type of nights out on the town, sporting stylish and attention-seeking clothes; but they are no match for the gorgeous women who are wearing next to nothing as they wait shivering in 40 degree weather to get inside the club where they’ll finally hopefully maybe meet the next Mr. Right … or at least Mr. Right for the next three to seven years.

    Gay couples have a lot to learn from their straight counterparts before they can really engage in genuine matrimony. Love, commitment, financial and emotional security — these things are cute and all, but just won’t cut it. My own gay and lesbian friends who are in committed relationships should observe those straight couples that succeed in getting married repeatedly and take careful notes. If these folks can wed a half dozen times, surely they must be the real experts on it.

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