• God works in mysterious ways: Tim Tebow is a New England Patriot

    I can’t stop laughing — Tim Tebow is now a Patriot. 

    The circus is here!  Grab your popcorn and get ready to load up your DVR with Tim Tebow news.  I honestly cannot stop smiling about the signing.  And it has nothing to do with football.

    Ask the run-of-the-mill New England Patriot’s fan what they think of the Tim Tebow signing, and you typically get two answers.

    Answer #1: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Answer #2: Coach Belichik is up to something sneaky.

    Both answers are wrong. However, let’s address the former. 

    Yes!  He’s here, he sits at the right hand of the Father, get used to it!  DEAL WITH IT!  You might be pissed off and enraged over a guy that has not done a single thing to you, but once you get over your rage, it will be made clear why Bob Kraft wanted Tebow.

    Now, the latter.

    This is going to drive New England fans a bit nuts, however, that’s my job.  Coach Belichik is a good coach, but he’s not the mastermind he appears to be inside your mind.  The signing of Tebow is not some sort of long-term planning to replace Tom Brady.  STOP IT!  If Tim Tebow lasts longer than a year in New England, I would be absolutely shocked.

    If Coach Belichik isn’t up to some elaborate scheme, then what’s the deal here?

    Let me ask you a question fellas (and a minority of ladies): Isn’t it kind of sexy when your girlfriend or wife wears your favorite team’s jersey?  Follow the clear path from your pelvis to your checkbooks.

    I once dated a lady, we had our “fun,” and she asked to put on one of my old T-shirts.  She went into my closet, pulled out a T-shirt, pulled it over her bare chest, and laid on my chest for a while so we could commence our sexy-time.  There is nothing more erotic than seeing a woman who is wearing your clothing or, by proxy, wearing your favorite team’s sports apparel.  First woman to wear a Detroit Tiger’s T-shirt — be prepared for a “Matt Attack.”

    Back to my point. It’s all about team jersey sales.  You can only pack in Gillette Stadium so many times before you have to look for additional revenue streams.  On the NFL’s website, an adult male Tom Brady team jersey runs about $109.  There’s also an array of lady tees, team jerseys and breast cancer awareness jerseys.  Add Tim Tebow to the mix, and it’s a wonderful day to be New England Patriot’s owner Bob Kraft.  Tim Tebow is such lady bait — women love him.

    Watch the sales of T-shirts go up faster than a 19 year old’s junk the first time he squeezes a booby. 

    That’s what this is all about — cash and media attention.

    I have a separate axe to grind. Knock it off with the angst against Tim Tebow.

    *cries* Just leave Tim Tebow alone!

    Seriously, enough with the Tebow hating, and this is coming from Rhode Island’s premier curmudgeon and hater.  I could never understand the complete ire of people hating on Tim Tebow.  What did this guy ever do to you asides make your girlfriend moist? 

    I don’t even think this guy is honestly that preachy, and yet everyone wants to bag on him because he wears his faith out on his sleeve.  Look, he doesn’t follow you to your house and tell you how you should live a life without sin. He is harmless to your fragile little existence. 

    Perhaps the guy is a little off-putting with the Jesus tattoo and the kneeling.  However if that’s all you have against the guy, you may need to have your head examined.  Ty Cobb was a worse human being.  Roger Clemens was a jerk-off.  OJ Simpson allegedly killed his wife, and he’s in the Hall of Fame.  Jason Kidd allegedly beat his wife, and the media praises him for being something awesome.  Tonya Harding convinced her boyfriend to smash Nancy Kerrigan’s kneecap and is now constantly on TV.  And yet virgin (he proclaims he is) Tim Tebow hasn’t even kissed a girl, and you want to throw this guy into the Gulag? 

    New England fans (as I am one), for once in your miserable existence let’s try to be classier than we are currently.

    Go Lions!  Go Pats!  (I have dual-citizenship of Detroit and Providence)


      • Georgia

      • June 12, 2013 at 12:38 pm
      • Reply

      I don’t even know who Tim Tebow is and I loved your article! You’re in your stride Matt.



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