• author
    • Donald Sanders

    • June 23, 2013 in Columnists

    Hard times on East Abbey Street

    When I was a young man, I had an extra-large brain and, therefore, an extra-large head. For as long as I can remember, people have pointed at me and laughed because I looked so funny. My mother, fearing I might have super intellectual powers, dumped me at a Catholic orphanage in Little Rock, Ark. I bring up this fact only as an illustration of my current demise.

    You see, I find that, lately, my brain is shrinking. I calculate that, within a year or two, my brain may shrink drastically. Eventually, in time, it may shrink and shrivel until it is the same size as yours. For me, this is a horrible thought and I find myself throwing up a little in my mouth every time it enters my mind.

    Oh, I know all of you little people are worried about me, and all are wondering what in the world will happen next. When you are all done thinking about that, you will think, “How did Donald get such a large brain in the first place, and how can I get one?” Well, I don’t know what will happen next, but I’ll tell you how I got the large brain, and no, you can’t get one.

    My brain has always been inordinately large. When I was a young boy, some kids would stare it and try to touch it. Other kids would point at me and say, “Hey, there goes that kid with the big brain!” Still other kids would envy me and covet my brain. Together, they plotted to get me and my brain by trapping me in small spaces.

    Over and over, they attempted to trap me, but I always got away. You see, my superior reasoning power would always afford me an exit strategy. There could be 20 people in a room looking for me, and I would simply walk through them backwards until I was out the door and well embarked on my escape. By walking backwards, they would think I was coming into the room instead of leaving. All of a sudden I was gone and they would stand there staring at each other in wonderment.

    Anyway, I have discovered through years and years of research that problem solving will shrink the human brain. For some unknown reason the human brain shrinks a tiny, tiny bit every time it solves a problem. That’s my theory, and I’m sticking to it. It’s a fact that if you disagree with these findings, your brain is already below the minimum size required for reasonable thinking and problem solving. Good luck with that.

    It’s all very simple; I have a large brain because I’ve never made a single solitary decision in my entire life. Not one, until now. For the last month or so, there have been some hard times on East Abbey Street. It seems that some of the things I have been faced with lately have been difficult for me to handle. I know that everyone has their problems and the resolution of these problems is what we consider to be life itself. We work our way through life. Along the way we encounter little problems, we fix them, then we move along to the next problem, our brains shrinking all the time.

    For the first time, ever, I can see problems that I just cannot ignore. Like it or not, I will have to make a decision this time. My problem is that I have always been a “path of least resistance” kind of guy, so I don’t even know how to make a decision, especially one as important as this one.

    Here’s my problem: Lately there have been some leaks of government activities. It seems that these leaks are revealing illegal government activities. The government likes to use the word “covert” instead of “illegal.” They have good reasons for that, I’m sure.

    Two major leaks involving “Wikileaks” and the “NSA” have the guys that leaked the information on the run and hiding, fearing for their lives. The two guys, one named Julian Assange and the other named Edward Snowden, are fighting extradition to the US because they feel they cannot get a fair trial. It doesn’t matter that the information they leaked to the public reveals illegal activities by the government. All that matters is the fact that they leaked the information in the first place. How dumb is that?

    OK, my decision has to have one or the other outcome. I have to decide if these two men, who made a decision to give up everything in their lives to tell us about a crime committed against us all, are heroes or traitors. This problem is making my brain hurt because it is shrinking. What in the world should I do?

    I think I know what I will do. A short time from now, I’ll get my boots on and go down to the City of Winters Nature Park and water some newly planted trees.


    • Heroes. If it weren’t for that damn contract they signed, they would be free and clear. Need to read what you sign at least. Some contracts don’t hold up in court. I hope his doesn’t either. While you are solving that one, please look into the death of Michael Hastings here in LA. Seems the feds might be involved in that one too. Love your large shrinking brain Donald. It keep me on my toes and always thinking too.

      • Maya North

      • June 23, 2013 at 6:12 pm
      • Reply

      We do not honor crises of conscience or the ultimate decision to do what is ethically right — if we ever did. Great column! 😀

      • Tom Mcmasters-Stone

      • June 25, 2013 at 3:43 pm
      • Reply

      Classic Donald…

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