Here are all the reasons why this guy is single – the sequel
I decided to get a male’s perspective on this “how men think in relationships.” No men were available, so I got Matt Najmowicz instead. I worked with what was inside the bargain bin.
The Rules List
- Learn how to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. When it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
HANNAH: I live in a house with a teenage boy. Nothing bothers me. I don’t care about the seat.
MATT: Um, I have no problems leaving the seat up or down. Nor do I have an issue putting the cover down. I am not that lazy.
- Crying is blackmail.
HANNAH: High school girls cry to get their way.
MATT: Crying is an opportunity to start yelling at someone to stop fucking crying. Never miss an opportunity. On the other hand, I cried last week. I stubbed my toe in the shower stall and it hurt like hell. I also cried when George HW Bush was elected in ‘88. I was 10 at the time.
- Ask for what you want. Let’s be clear on this one. Subtle, strong or obvious hints don’t work. Just say it.
HANNAH: I agree. I am bad on picking up on hints sometime.
MATT: I have no idea what you are trying to say, Hannah.
- Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
HANNAH: I think if you yes and no me to death, I will break up with you.
MATT: Yes and No are perfectly acceptable ways of starting fights in a relationship. “Yes and no” is typical passive aggressive bullshit. “Yes, no, fine, I don’t care and nothing” are attempts to start a fight.
- Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it — that’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
HANNAH: I honestly don’t think a guy is going to be able solve my problems (turns and looks at Matt), Matt!
MATT: Even with my superior intelligence and understanding of female psychology I won’t be able to “fix” anyone.
- Anything said after six months is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after seven days.
HANNAH: Matt, remember four years ago when you told me my boyfriend was an idiot. I never forgot. I’ll never forget when you goofed on a boyfriend of mine, even though you were right.
MATT: I never forget when I was right. I haven’t been wrong since Reagan’s second term in office. Who can argue with Hannah’s wisdom?
- If you think you’re fat you probably are. Don’t ask us. If you ask a question you didn’t want an answer to — expect an answer you don’t want to hear. I am in shape, and yes, round is a shape.
HANNAH: More cushion for the pushin’. Not really an answer.
MATT: I simply never cared. The more I look at this dumbass rule, the more I hate it.
- If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad/angry, then we meant the other one.
HANNAH: This is fucking stupid. Deal with me sometimes being either sad or angry with your answer. I fucking know what you meant. You son-of-a-bitch.
MATT: I can’t control how someone is going to interpret my answer. However, I am a great kisser and I can turn that frown upside down.
- You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know how to do it then do it yourself.
HANNAH: I don’t get this. I really don’t care too much. I am not your mother telling you how to fold your clothes.
MATT: Not even remotely interested in dating anyone like my Mom. On the other hand, I can follow directions — at least I think I can. I wear an armor of self-confidence.
- Whenever possible only talk during commercials.
HANNAH: I totally agree. I don’t want to hear your voice during my show.
MATT: I require a gag when watching TV. I will talk your ear off, especially during a sports event.
- Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions and neither do we.
- Men only see 16 colors.
HANNAH: I don’t know what mauve is either, but I know it’s a color. Say mauve with a Rhode Island accent. Sound it out. It doesn’t sound like a word.
MATT: Hannah is right. Mauve sounds like a word that a Rhode Islander is trying to say. You want to correct the Rhode Islander, but they are correct. Sound like a Rhode Islander and just say mauve.
- Men are not mind readers. If we ask what is wrong and the answer is “nothing”, we will act like nothing is wrong. We know you are lying but it’s not worth the hassle.
HANNAH: Sometimes nothing could be wrong, but we both know I am lying.
MATT: You can magically turn nothing wrong into something wrong. Just keep saying nothing is wrong and then yell at someone. Men have feelings too.
HANNAH: In the end, everyone sucks at relationships equally.
MATT: It’s kinda like you just learn how to be miserable with someone. One thing I know about relationships — you can either be right or be happy. You don’t get to do both. It’s not about “baggage” or anything like that. If you love that person, you accept the baggage.