• Higgs boson hoax tricks big-brained Winters Man

    “And the Lord said, ‘Behold the people are un-confounding my confounding.’ And the Lord sighed and said, ‘Go to, let us go down, and there give them the God Particle so that they may see how beautiful is the universe I have made.'”

    Another name for the God Particle is the Higgs boson. Correct me if I’m wrong, but the Higgs boson is a tiny piece of matter created when two tiny parts of an atom collide within a muon ring such as the one in Switzerland that’s called the Cern Collider. Each Higgs boson is created at a cost of millions of dollars.

    So, to make a long story short, I read on the internet that the Cern people were going to give away 10 Higgs boson particles using a lottery system. I almost crapped my pants when I read that. Holy moly, it must have cost millions of dollars for each Higgs boson to be created. I wanted to get me one of those.

    Yes my very own Higgs Boson, woohoo! I didn’t know how they would package something so small that you wouldn’t be able to see it with an electron microscope. In my mind, I was already figuring how much something like that would be worth. It would certainly be in the hundreds of thousands neighborhood.

    Next thing I’m doing is going online to see where I could put my name in the hat for the lottery drawing. I was thinking I simply must have my Higgs boson and I want it now. I want to get the first one given away because I needed it to boost my ego. I have been flying low lately, so I figured this would be a boost to my moral.

    Man, If only I had a Higgs boson, I would be like the big man of Winters, California. I could call John Donlevy, the City Manager, and say, “See fella, I tried to get you to build a muon ring here in Winters so we could sell Higgs bosons and make a lot of money.”

    My plan was to just sell empty packages that supposedly held a Higgs boson within. How would anyone know if there was a boson inside the package or not since no one would ever be able to see one?

    I was on top of the world, and I was going to spend a fair share of my time to get one of those bosons. All day long, I was thinking about that Higgs boson and what I could do if I had one. I thought and I thought about that Higgs boson. That’s when it dawned on me! Those bastards are taking me to town with my own crooked scheme. Dammit!

    By the time I figured out that it was a hoax, I’d already sent them an email asking how I could get my name on the lottery list. I haven’t felt this dumb since I built the toll booth I was going to put up at East Abbey Street and Elliott Street before the city shot that idea down too. That toll both cost me a lot of money too. So, in the end, the Higgs boson giveaway was just an April Fool’s Day joke.

    Ha ha, very funny.

    So this stupid Higgs boson hoax just added misery to my already miserable week. It started going bad last week when I told my wife, Therese, that our anniversary was on Monday and I wanted to take her to dinner. She says, “Our anniversary is on Tuesday.” So I look at my calendar and say, “Na, it’s on Monday.” So now Therese says, OK whatever.” Anyway, I ordered me a prime rib dinner and I got her a salad from my favorite restaurant, The Buckhorn. Both the steak and the salad were on takeout so we could eat at home.

    Anyway, to make a long story short, my anniversary was on Tuesday. It’s not my fault that I thought our marriage anniversary was on the 8th of April instead of the 9th.

    Not my fault.

    Next, I was doing some volunteer work at the Winters Nature Park and got a tick on my boys. Now, to top off everything, I got my thingy stuck in my zipper, and now those Cern Collider guys are pulling the wool over my eyes, lying to me about giving me a Higgs boson. Whatever, it’s OK. I can deal with it, but I’m going to find a way to get even with those nerdy scientist guys. Maybe I could sue them for hitting my house with one of those Hadron or Lepton thingys.

    Anyway, I’ll let you know when I’m ready so you can have a good laugh with me at their expense. It’s like, “Here comes the Devil and he’s riding a white horse and he’s going to stick that Higgs boson up those guys’ butts!”

    • Of course I didn’t understand most of this rant but the thing about your thingy and the balls with the tick, tickled my fancy.

    • No Madgew, that is the part that is not supposed to be funny. How’d you like to get a tick on your thingy? 🙂

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