Ho oh no… gag gifts for Christmas
by Kelvin Wade
As the song goes, it’s the most wonderful time of the year. Christmas always makes me think of my own childhood where we’d erect a gaudy silver artificial tree and watch Christmas specials on TV. We all have our favorite Christmas memories and for a lot of people Christmas is a kid’s holiday.
Speaking of kids, my six-year-old grandson Kawika told his mother, Sheryl, that he wanted an iPad 2 for Christmas. He’d seen it on a commercial and had to have it. Sheryl told him that she didn’t think so. Kawika said, “You don’t have to buy it. I’ll just ask Santa for it.” Thinking fast Sheryl said, “Kawika, we have to pay for the shipping for Santa to bring things. It’s expensive to operate a sleigh that goes all over the world in one night. Then there are the elves to pay. Reindeer food.” Kawika realized this Santa thing was more complex than he’d thought. He said, “Oooooh. Okay.”
It’s priceless but by next Christmas I’m afraid Santa’s secret will be out for Kawika. He may be on his way to being jaded by Christmas the way a lot of older kids view it. But it doesn’t have to be that way.
In my family, I think Christmas is more fun for the adults than kids. Over the years Christmas has devolved into a battle of gag gifts. The legitimate gifts my brothers give are usually so lame one can’t tell what’s a gag gift and what isn’t. So I’d like to share with you, via video, some of the greatest hits over the past years.
I upped the bar in recent years when I presented my brother Tony with a hamburger wrapped in a perfume box. Excuse me, a partially eaten hamburger.
During the same celebration, I captured the regifting record. Most everyone is familiar with the concept of regifting a gift that you don’t want or need. I took it to an extreme. While my sister-in-law Patty and brother, OT, were out of the room, I quickly opened a gift she had for me, revealing a stupid doggy memo pad. I swiftly shoved it into an empty box I’d brought along and taped it closed, labeling the package for her and OT. When OT later opened it, Patty thought I’d merely given her the same gift, not knowing that I had regifted a gift before she even gave it to me.
The video picks up with Orvis unwrapping the gift after I’d slipped their doggy memo pad inside.
An event the following summer set the wheels in motion for the next Christmas’ gag gift in motion. During a visit, OT’s dog, Coco, grew rather attached to my brother Tony. While Tony was seated on OT’s sofa, Coco hopped up next to him and gyrated his little doggy hips in Tony’s direction.
So that Christmas I presented Tony with a love letter from Coco complete with Coco’s “scent.”
His “scent” was actually a melted Snickers bar but it worked.
We’d set a five dollar limit on gifts, so I got Tony some Brut Cologne. Unfortunately, the cologne set me back ten bucks so I had to make an adjustment.
Last year, I went the nostalgic route. I gave Tony a toy clock just like the ones we had when we were kids. Unfortunately, when we were little I lost mine down the sewer and took Tony’s. When he wanted it back, I hit him over the head with it. So, after 35 years I figured I owed him a clock.
I have ideas for gifts this year that will continue to set new lows in gift giving but one of the main items has yet to be delivered. I hope it makes it here by Christmas or else I will have to find a last minute substitute.
However you celebrate Christmas, I hope you enjoy yourself and make memories. For me, the magic of Christmas is always the laughter and good times I can share with my brothers and their families.
It’s the most wonderful time of the year but be careful when receiving a gift from me. You just never know what it’s going to be. Happy holidays to everyone!