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    • Maya Stiles Parsons Spier

      Columnist, Editor-in-Chief
    • February 25, 2014 in Columnists

    I am not an insult and neither are you

    Recently, our beloved Amy Ferris posted a link about some new embarrassment spewed by Michele Bachmann, the apparently decorticate U.S. Representative from the fine state of Minnesota where other decorticates apparently saw fit to elect her (one wonders if this was the result of a collective effort of cockroaches, attempting to brainwash large numbers of humans into destroying the earth, so they can inherit it).

    This elicited some pretty strong responses which I find quite reasonable, as the idea of this woman being in a position of power makes me shiver and throw up a bit in my mouth.

    And then, someone who shall remain nameless, posted this (and pardon the language – this time the choice of words was not mine):   “Fuck you bull dyke!”

    Aw, c’mon.  Really?  I’m so sick of people using women in any of our varied permutations as insults. In fact, I’m sick of anyone using someone else’s normal as an example of worthlessness.  I replied that “bull dyke” was a compliment that Michele Bachmann did not deserve.  I offered the following insult and curse as a stellar example (okay, I was annoyed – as little respect and liking as I have for the woman, I don’t actually want any of this to happen to her):

    “Michele Bachmann, please ooze back under the rock from which you apparently spontaneously spawned from the rotting detritus of the decaying corpse of a decorticate serial killer of the small children you forced to be born and subsequently slaughtered on the altar of your deranged ambition. Once there, I pray that you will be first mangled and then swallowed by a small predator with an intestinal tract so lacking in acid that your demise is slow and excruciatingly painful.”

    Now that’s a curse.

    Should I wish to add insult to injury, I could do no better than to turn to Shakespeare, whose dexterity in meting out insult is unparalleled.  Here is a list of insults – take one from each column in any combination that delights you (http://www.pangloss.com/seidel/shake_rule.html):

    [Selections from the] Shakespeare Insult Kit

    Column 1 Column 2 Column 3
    artless base-court apple-john
    bawdy bat-fowling  baggage
    beslubbering beef-witted barnacle
    bootless beetle-headed bladder
    churlish boil-brained boar-pig
    cockered clapper-clawed bugbear
    clouted clay-brained bum-bailey
    craven common-kissing canker-blossom
    currish crook-pated clack-dish
    dankish dismal-dreaming clotpole
    dissembling dizzy-eyed coxcomb
    droning doghearted codpiece
    errant dread-bolted death-token
    fawning earth-vexing dewberry
    fobbing elf-skinned flap-dragon
    froward fat-kidneyed flax-wench
    frothy fen-sucked flirt-gill
    gleeking flap-mouthed foot-licker
    goatish fly-bitten fustilarian
    gorbellied folly-fallen giglet
    impertinent fool-born gudgeon
    infectious full-gorged haggard
    jarring guts-griping harpy
    loggerheaded half-faced hedge-pig
    lumpish hasty-witted horn-beast
    mammering hedge-born hugger-mugger
    mangled hell-hated joithead
    mewling idle-headed lewdster
    paunchy ill-breeding lout
    pribbling ill-nurtured maggot-pie
    puking knotty-pated malt-worm
    puny milk-livered mammet
    qualling motley-minded measle
    rank onion-eyed minnow
    reeky plume-plucked miscreant
    roguish pottle-deep moldwarp
    ruttish pox-marked mumble-news
    saucy eeling-ripe nut-hook
    spleeny rough-hewn pigeon-egg
    spongy rude-growing pignut
    surly rump-fed puttock
    tottering shard-borne pumpion
    unmuzzled sheep-biting ratsbane
    vain spur-galled scut
    venomed swag-bellied skainsmate
    villainous tardy-gaited varlot
    warped tickle-brained vassal
    wayward toad-spotted whey-face
    weedy unchin-snouted wagtail
    yeasty weather-bitten

    Oh, the veritable feast of insults available here!  The delicious bringing down of the mammering, knotty-pated gudgeon, the comeuppance of the goatish, flap-mouthed foot-licker, the infectious, tickle-brained maggot-pie.  I quiver with the joy at the very thought of it.

    However, these things are not insults, in no particular order:

    Gay (and any derivation thereof) Lesbian(and any derivation thereof) Pussy (euphemism for vagina) Wussy (another euphemism for vagina)
    Woman Old Any direct reference to female body parts Any reference to one’s religion
    Fat The R word for the intellectually disabled The N word The D word for the deaf
    Any other ethnic slur Any description of a person’s physical characteristics Any epithet that uses a physical disability as an insult A woman who in any way behaves sexually the way men do

    The list goes on.

    I am not an insult.  What I look like is not a put-down.  I am not less because I am female.  Being called a woman is a compliment, not the worst thing anyone could call you.  If I love women, or if you’re a man who loves men, that’s not an insult either.  You don’t get to use a demeaning word on me if I behave just like a man.  Either we’re both entitled or neither of us is.  My race, my ethnicity, my faith, my stature, my age, my gender are not available to be used as an insult by you or by anybody, including me.

    So, yes, do go forth and hurl magnificently creative insults at each other’s heads, like monkeys flinging poo.  But don’t use the state of someone’s being as an insult.  If you are someone willing to do that to another, you are far more vulnerable to it than I.

    • New and improved insults from the Bard! I love it!

        • Maya North

        • February 25, 2014 at 9:44 am
        • Reply

        Indeed! So with all these magnificent choices, why limit oneself to mundane exercises in cruelty? 😉

    • This is beyond magnificent Ms. Maya. You with this little chart of delight have given me hours of insult slinging amusement! Kudos! It just occurred to me that these surly sheepbiting scainsmate’s scream and holler and advocate for a generation of children to be born they have no intention on feeding. My ex favorite insult was bull dyke. It made me envision myself a delicious serving of filet mignon that could not possibly be appreciated by the likes of someone with his level of intelligence. Keep spreading the good word! You are magic!

        • Maya North

        • March 10, 2014 at 10:32 pm
        • Reply

        Oooh, thank you, and I am happy to know you will partake of the delicious menu of derogatory verbiage! <3

      • Heather Alani

      • March 10, 2014 at 5:18 pm
      • Reply

      Elf skinned! Oh maya! You just put the spice in my night! hahahahaha! I am a swag bellied, tickled brained unmuzzled maggot pie! <3 <3

      • Maya North

      • March 10, 2014 at 10:33 pm
      • Reply

      Oh, Heather, I have not even begun to define myself by this list. It could take hours! <3

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