• author
    • Donald Sanders

    • December 21, 2014 in Columnists

    I cry while I am driving so no one will see me

    I cry while I’m driving so no one will see me. It’s not that I plan it that way, but it seems to be the norm for me now. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because my mind wanders a little while it watches the road appear at some far away point, zoom at me and then disappear under my front tires. I know it’s not the time to let your mind wander, while you are driving, but I think it’s pretty much involuntary.

    I also think the mind goes anywhere it wants when it is wandering, dark places or light, as it wishes. My mind seems to travel toward the past and sooner or later that leads to blood. Once the blood is there it’s not long before it goes to the spot where the blood originates. I won’t describe this because I’m sure you can visualize as well as I can where blood comes from. I’ll save you that, but it always leads to tears.

    Sleeping is another place where my mind wanders and it goes to the same places. I don’t know how many times my wife, Therese, wakes me up to see if I’m alright. She has learned that it doesn’t do any good to ask too many questions at this point, so she will quickly go back to sleep, the deep, sweet sleep only innocent souls can enjoy. I wrap my arms around her and close my eyes and she heals me. I love her like nothing else on this Earth.

    Blood is easy for a wandering mind to find, for it is everywhere upon this planet of ours. Throughout our history, man has drawn blood from others for a myriad of reasons, all of which seemed a good idea at the time. Men kill for love, hate, fear and greed. Killing is addictive for some and they go out of their way to see it done. The military will freely supply the tools. As for me, I found at an early age that I had a knack for killing people by accident. It happens all the time when you put a kid in a war zone and give him a gun.

    Wars are terrible things and it’s a shame, because we’re getting so good at it. Our weapons are now capable of destroying whole cities with one blow. A single bomb will vaporize entire populations in an instant. There is very little left to clean up, nothing but ash in a pink vapor. The pink vapor can enter your lungs and you become one with those you have killed.

    One war can cause another war. The whole idea of war is to kill your enemy, but the more you kill, the more enemies you create. The killing of a father also requires the killing of the sons and the daughters, the nieces and nephews and all of their cousins and friends. If a single one is missed, then you can count on another war in the not so distant future. A war of revenge is nasty and evil for hate is its root.

    There are wars that are said to be honorable and we all know of what I speak for they are wars to stop insanity. In my lifetime, I have never seen a war I would call honorable. After 9/11, our revenge struck out in all directions, all of them wrong, all of them with hate at its root. Currently we are involved in a new war in the Middle East that I’m sure has an enemy that we know nothing about.

    Some time ago, there was an uprising against the powers that be. The uprising was populated with the oppressed that thought religious freedom and independence were a requirement or basic human rights. Tea was dumped into the bay, shots were fired and killing ensued from both sides that could never agree on anything. Perhaps our new enemies in the Middle East are common men and women, religiously and economically oppressed, who are rebelling against the powers that be.

    Argue if you wish, but I can tell you right now that the only information you have about ISIS is the information the powers that be want you to have. The powerful can paint a patriotic picture and we are helpless to do anything other than load up our guns and carry out their will. If you cannot believe this scenario is possible, then you are delusional and you are destined for remorse and guilt. Your children may find out that they have a knack for killing people by accident.

    My horrible nightmare stems from the fact that wars for hate, greed, and fear are eternal. We are supposed to be the greatest nation ever in the history of man. Our foundation is freedom, love and forgiveness, yet we now stoop to torture and evil deeds that have no place in a really great nation. We are a nation of killers, slaughtering and being slaughtered. Should you disagree, visit the long black wall and look at the names. If you can do this and then tell me why they were slaughtered I will worship you like a God that you must be.

    I cannot visit the wall for I fear I would fall into the dark and not be able to find my way back to the light. I know if they could look through that black stone, they wouldn’t recognize me anyway, just as the song says. My wife, my love went to the wall for me and scratched the names of the ones I knew. This is all I can do about it.

    I cry while I am driving so no one will see me.

      • Madgew

      • December 21, 2014 at 9:58 am
      • Reply

      I feel for you Donald. I know this can’t go away for so writing about it can help. And write you do so well.

      • Maya North

      • December 21, 2014 at 11:26 pm
      • Reply

      I have PTSD, too — nowhere near at this level, but more than enough to get it. I can only imagine how it haunts you, dear man. Hold on to your beloved Therese and know that she loves you and not just her, but a whole lot of people — including me. It’s all we can give, but it’s something. Big hugs… (P.S. I cry in my car, too. It seems to be a good place to do just that…)

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