I NEED that new iPad
by Kelvin Wade
I need the new iPad. My girlfriend would say I merely WANT the new iPad, but she’s mistaken. I need the new iPad and it needs me. I can give it such a good home. After all, I already have an iPad 2 and it’s loved living with me.
Okay, I admit I’m a geek. Or at least a geek lives within me. Maybe that’s why I look like I ate a geek. But I’ve always been interested in electronics ever since I got my first computer, an Atari 400. It came with a whopping 16K (you read that right) of memory and a membrane keyboard. What’s a membrane keyboard? Think touchscreen only you had to press on it about 500 times harder.
The new iPad costs the same as the old iPad. That’s amazing! That’s why technology is the business! My first computer, a 286 with 1 MB of ram, a 40 megabyte hard drive and no monitor cost me $576. For that amount, I can buy the new iPad and have money left over for cheeseburgers to enjoy while I’m playing with it.
There are a lot of tablets on the market these days, so why must I have the new iPad? C’mon. I remember junior high. You couldn’t come to school wearing K-Mart Champion sneakers while people were rocking Nikes. I can’t get some iPad wannabe and look myself in the mirror.
No, it’s not about status. Okay, it’s a little bit about status. Look, the new iPad is the best tablet on the market. It has a retina display. A retina display. It’s so sick it has a million more pixels than your 1080p high definition TV. Do you know what that means? That means don’t EVER display a photo of your face on the new iPad unless you want to be horribly depressed.
It’s got a new processor that’s twice as fast as the one in the iPad 2 with four times the graphic processing power. What does that mean? I don’t really know, but I’m expecting it to be able to project a little hologram like R2D2 did back in the day or something.
It doesn’t matter what’s new about it, only that it’s the new iPad. And if you’re a geek, you must crave all things in geekdom. There’s a new Polaroid digital camera that takes digital pictures AND lets you print them out of the camera. Sweet! Gotta have that, too!
My girlfriend is going to find 50 different ways to rain on my new iPad parade. Number one is that I just got my iPad 2 at the end of November. But no matter how many reasons she provides, she’ll wrap it up with me not NEEDING a new iPad.
To which I shall respond philosophically, “What does one really need but food, shelter and clothing? Aren’t the majority of things we possess mere ‘wants’ to enhance our creature comfort?'”
It usually just gets the patented Cathi Icy Stare.
She may then counter with, “You’re never satisfied! There are people who are struggling trying to pay the rent and you’re thinking about spending $500 on something you just want?”
But that’s the old, “Clean your plate! There are kids in (fill in the blank here) starving!”
And I always wanted to answer that with, “But how does me eating what’s on my plate help that starving boy in Timbuktu?”
Okay, I admit I feel kind of guilty wanting a new iPad when kids coast to coast are trying to catch Kony, gas prices are through the roof and people homes are underwater (including mine.). But on the plus side, I’m sure there are glorious retina display quality apps to deal with those problems.
Finally, Cathi will end with a faux concession, “I don’t care. Go ahead and buy your iPad.”
Of course, it’s a ploy. If I were to actually go out and purchase one, I would surely be neutered or I’d find myself trying to use that new iPad in the doghouse..
So, I will be happy with what I have. I have a perfectly good iPad 2 and many people wish they had that. But I still want the new iPad. Damn you, Apple.