I see a pattern here…
Can you believe Groundhog’s Day was just three days ago?? Wow! Time really flies. Can you believe Groundhog’s Day was just three days ago?? Wow! Time really flies.
Repeat, ad nauseam.
Like practically anyone I know, I have always struggled with my weight. As a kid, I played every sport imaginable, which kept me in good shape. It wasn’t until I quit those sports (particularly figure skating), that my weight became an issue. I went from hours on end practices on a weekly basis to… nothing. Sitting on the couch, thoroughly enjoying not moving. It was glorious! I couldn’t believe I had been missing out on this for so long. Unfortunately, I still had the ravenous appetite and was eating the same way I always did. That, dear readers, is when I quickly realized this could become an issue. Not only was I gaining weight, I was going through puberty. A cruel, cruel combination. Needless to say, high school wasn’t one of those amazing 90210-ish experiences. It was more in line with Daria. Pretty miserable.
That battle raged for the next 20+ years. I’ve gained, I’ve lost. It’s always the same thing.
Now, it’s 2015 and I’ve decided to get my shit together. A few weeks ago, I re-joined the gym where I work. Admittedly, it’s been a while since I’ve stepped foot in there. As in, almost two years. When I was first hired, I joined immediately, going every day for aboooooooooout six months. I mean, I had no excuse to not go; it’s literally in my building. The days of, “I got out of work late/didn’t have time/it’s raining out/I’m tired” were now over. I was seeing results; it was working! I was losing weight, feeling good. I was proud of myself for my dedication and stick to-it-ness.
Until I became unstuck.
I got separated. Moved out of my house and became a bit of a transient for a while. It became increasingly more difficult for me to get to the gym early because I was moving around a bunch. My life was in chaos. My morning routines became interrupted and my eating habits also suffered. I (unfortunately) picked up smoking regularly (again). Essentially, I did not give one shit about my health. I used the excuse that I couldn’t find the time, or that it was too expensive. I cancelled the membership and proceeded to plummet down the path that I know oh so well: indifference.
When I signed up again, I made an appointment with the head trainer to get my health assessment done. Pathetically trying to give myself any advantage I could, I wore a dress, thinking that might save me a pound or two.
News Flash! It didn’t.
As I was standing miserably on the scale, sadly watching her move the small weight up and up, I wanted to crawl under the floor. Maybe because she saw my face drop as I looked sadly at the final number, she offered some encouragement.
“At least you don’t look that weight!” she said, enthusiastically.
“Mmmm. Thanks,” I mumbled. Completely defeated.
I followed her into her office where we began the second round of humiliation: measurements. Now, if anyone doesn’t feel shitty enough about the current state of their body, I highly recommend getting measurements done. Then, you will have EXACT NUMBERS as to your girth. There’s no excuses on that tape; the numbers do not lie. But, here’s where it gets interesting (or depressing. However you chose to look at it). As she was writing down my measurements, she had my original numbers from 2012. And….they were pretty much exactly the same, with the exception of a half inch here and there.
When she asked me about my diet, her first question was if I was still drinking smoothies for breakfast. Now we were entering Twilight Zone territory. Why? The fact is, I had started drinking smoothies back in 2012, but traded them for garbage along the way in 2013-2014. Last month, I purchased the NutriBullet. I’ve been steadily drinking them in the mornings again.
Am I this fucking predictable??
While she was rattling off other questions and information, I was only half listening. I couldn’t help but feel like a hamster on a wheel. I’ve been here before. Literally. In this same room with this same person discussing this same problem. Why? How? How did this happen?? So much in my life has changed over the course of a few years, yet here I am again, like I never left. I felt like a loser. I was mad, upset. In an instant, I understood that this isn’t about weight loss, it’s about choices I make in life. It’s about comfort zones and pushing out of them. Yes, I’ve done it in some areas, but others not so much. Obviously, this is one of those areas.
Towards the end of the meeting, I gained some of my resolve back. I can do this. Frankly, I have to do this. I don’t like that I’ve allowed myself to take the easy way out on this. Why do I allow myself to fall into this terrible place that completely wrecks my confidence and makes me miserable? I know the answer: because it’s easy. It’s easy to be lazy. It’s easy to say, “I’ll do it tomorrow.” But many tomorrows have come and gone and here I am. I can literally see the effects of it. I’m not getting any younger and this isn’t getting any easier.
I’d like to say that a year from now I’ll look back on this and be victorious, but I don’t want to make that declaration just yet. I can’t put that kind of pressure on myself. I’ve already made some mistakes. It’s a process. But instead of giving up, I have to start all over again. All I can do is look at my choices each and every day and be more aware to make those changes.