• author
    • Matthew Najmowicz

    • January 31, 2015 in Columnists

    I was dumped by Stephen but now I’m dating a guy named Larry


    Stephen Colbert courtesy selucha.tumblr.com

    Stephen Colbert courtesy selucha.tumblr.com

    I was in a very hot and heavy relationship with Stephen T. Colbert for around nine years. Many nights we would look into each other’s eyes, eat some pistachios, coo words of truthiness into each other’s ears and then make wild love all night while saluting the American flag. We would sometimes try to cheat death, we would better know a district, once in a while we gave each other a wag of the finger or a tip of the hat, but most importantly we chanted “USA!”

    Then he moved out of my life. He packed his things and said “sayonara, chubs.” I was lying on my bed naked, confused, alone and my belly hurting from a medical condition called Really Smart and Funny Satire.

    I am never going to get over Stephen. Forget his beauty, his smile, his perfect hair, his perfect conservatism, his ability to never see race, his love for President George W Bush and our mutual hatred for that Marxist tyrannical king Comrade President Barack Hussein (Hussein like he is a Muslim dictator slime ball) Obama. Stephen and I, we, wanted to live in a world where everything was like the 1960s. When everything was pure and true. A time when women were silently cooking while living a life of mute indifference, men could do what they wanted and there was nothing called the voting rights bill. A shout out to The Supreme Court for gutting the voting rights act – Dr Martin Luther King’s legacy is secure with you, Justice Antonin Scalia!

    Stephen left me and I was so lonely, until about two weeks ago.

    Larry Wilmore courtesy- b;ersonline.com

    Larry Wilmore courtesy- blersonline.com

    I started seeing this new guy named Larry Wilmore. And I have to tell you it is a little strange. It’s not because he is from Los Angeles, California. It’s not because he is a scumbag Seahawks fan. And it’s not because he takes Keeping it 100 (100 percent honest and real) to a factor of, well, 100.

    I am going to confess something to all of you before – I have never dated a black guy. I have never inter-racially dated a guy four nights a week after The Daily Show! At 11:30 PM before that scrawny nerd, Chris Hardwick? First a Jew from New Jersey and now a brother from California? What’s next – a British guy from The Daily Show who anchored that show over the summer only to get his own show on HBO?

    How much deep and long satire can I take? This is Ron Jeremy sized satire – only a professional can handle the punishment.

    Larry Wilmore and I have now been dating for two weeks. How is it going? Well, I had a very long relationship with Stephen. Stephen made me laugh. He was outrageous, creative, smart and most importantly, funny. When Larry came into my life, I wasn’t sure what to expect. I must say that I am really starting to appreciate Larry.

    Larry’s show is panel show. I do actually like panel shows. I like when smart people get together and can discuss heavy topics along with a few jokes. The Nightly Show with Larry Wilmore does a pretty damn good job with the first segment of a monologue/essay, second segment a 5-way discussion, third segment asking people a question in which the audience judges of they are Keeping it 100 (direct and/or honest) or they are giving weak tea (a dishonest and/ or wishy-washy answer), and the last segment Larry Wilmore is asked a question in which he has to Keeping it 100.

    For all those who are too White to understand urban slang – keeping it real is also Keeping it 100.

    Oddly enough, Larry Wilmore’s show reminds me of my first boyfriend – Bill Maher.

    Maher-lib-620x363 shelbacasadei.sourceforge.net

    Bill Maher is still my first love. I was dating Bill Maher in the mid-90s when being an Atheist wasn’t trendy. Yep, I was in high school and I would stay up late at night to watch his show, originally on Comedy Central and then he went to ABC. He banged me pretty hard every night after Dateline and I still walk with a limp he gave me.

    Luckily, Larry isn’t intimidated when I tell him about Bill, Jon, John or Stephen. Larry is his own unique person. He is doing a fine job and I am pleasantly surprised at how well that show is running. It’s really good television that I would recommend to anyone.

    What can I say? Once you go Larry, you never go black. I meant back.

      • Madgew

      • January 31, 2015 at 8:32 am
      • Reply

      Funny you should write about this. I watched Larry for two weeks and just took him off my DVR to record his show. Boring, boring and more boring to me. His panel has no vigor and kerping it real is just not funny to me. Can’t wait for John Oliver to come back. The two Jon’s/ John’s for me. And I have gone black:)

      • Carolyn Wyler

      • February 1, 2015 at 10:47 am
      • Reply

      Both those guys are hot, but Jon will always be my number one.

    • I’ve been watching Larry’s show… it has some great moments. Really interesting discussion on “American Sniper” the other night. Intense at times. I think the show has potential – it’s still trying to find its footing.

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