iken & amy, life in the country, part 2
a woodchuck is in our garden. i say our, but really, truly, it is ken’s garden. he tends to it, he weeds it, he grows vegetables & flowers in it, he gets down on his hands & knees — often in prayer mode — to pull little creepy ugly bugs off his gorgeous plants & asparagus.
i stand in the house waving through the window.
a woodchuck is in HIS garden.
he has tried everything from playing music that the critter/creature might like so ken can spot him/her, to stacking rocks — huge massive rocks — in front of each garden door. at one point he contemplated getting a gun & shooting the motherfucker, but since i’m still somewhat — a teeny bit — menopausal, he felt that wasn’t such a good idea on any level. you know that joke, a menopausal woman walks into a bar, and the guy sitting next to her tells the bartender, gimme a shot, and the woman turns to him, opens her bag… okay, maybe you don’t know the joke, and given the climate it’s not funny anymore but at one time, many many many years ago, it was funny.
back to the woodchuck.
ken decides on the HAVE A HEART trap, and a piece, a chunk, of melon. he hears this works like magic, and magic is what he’s shooting for (no pun intended). he woke up this morning, and there, in the trap, with a face full of melon bits, is the woodchuck — shaking in its little boots.
ken drives the woodchuck over to jersey — on the other side of the bridge — where he lets it out of the have a heart, and watches it RUN LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER into the woods. he can hear the woodchuck thanking god, he tells me, when he gets home.
we are at ease.
and then ken has a moment, a breakfast at epiphany moment. he asks me to google this: do woodchucks live in family groups?
cross my heart.
i ask ken, do you mean like a commune, a cult, or like a jewish family — that kind of family group?
he tells me i’m wasting his time, he needs the answer now. i tell him to google it himself. he tells me he doesn’t like googling, it makes him nervous. i tell him he’s confusing googling with oogling. he tells me to go fuck myself.
he asks siri (YES, this is true story), DO WOODCHUCKS LIVE IN FAMILY GROUPS?
she responds with, THANK YOU.
he comes back to me, after his grand disappointment in siri, who has now let him down a few times this week, and asks me again to please, please, please google.
so, let me tell you what i found out about woodchucks, or as i will now be referring to this reality show: WOOD-DADDY.
one guy woodchuck & two and/or three girl woodchucks live together in some outdoor hut, makeshift condo somewhere, and they have many, many offspring from other woodchucks. the girl woodchucks are extremely aggressive & nasty to each other once the daddy woodchuck leaves for what could be an entire breeding season. he doesn’t live at home. he’s out partying, but, but…BUT… he tries to visit each “female group” (yes, i’m quoting) every single day. very often the females become agitated, refusing the daddy woodchuck’s advances.
i tell this to ken, and he tells me that i — me — amy — could be a female woodchuck.
he laughs at his own joke.
i tell him that today is a great day, a fabulous day, a perfect day for me to become a lesbian.
we agree to stock up on melon.