• I’ll Have to Eat a Lot More Frogs

    by Donald K. Sanders

    Well, I just don’t know what to do these days. Everything happens so quickly and I don’t seem to have any control over anything at all. I’m afraid to walk around town anymore because, with all of the dumb stuff I’ve written in the local newspaper, somebody might beat me up. People write in to the Winters Express just to tell me to keep my dumb opinions to myself and they call me a “big bag of wind” or was it “gas.”

    Anyway, since I’ve been afraid to write my column, I decided to enter a chess tournament. To make a long story short, I walked into this auditorium, sat at a table ready to play, when I noticed that all the other players were under 10 years old. OK, so I figured I can do this, and I started to make my opening move when the little twerp I was playing announced, “Mate in 11.”

    A few moves into the game I noticed a change in the pawn structure. He had eight and I had none. At this point I figured I’d better offer a draw but this sent the entire auditorium into uncontrollable laughter. People were actually rolling in the aisles. To make matters worse, the little punk kid hit me in the head with a rook. I pointed my finger at him and said, “You little (so and so) step outside and I’ll kick your butt.

    The Director told me to stop picking on the 10 year olds and not to bother turning in my score sheet after the game. Man, I could have taken that kid, I know I could.

    This afternoon I received my copy of Phi Theta Kappa (Pathways to Success 2009), which lists all the members of the Honor Society. It took awhile but I finally found my name on page 1219. Do you have any idea how long it takes to look at 1,200 pages? Anyway, it seems that I’m the only person in Winters that is listed in the book. My mind went, “k-ching, k-ching.”

    Right away I contacted the Guinness Book of Records people and submitted my information for a world record. I filled out this long form stating how I was the only guy from Winters in the big blue book and then clicked on the “submit form” button. Here comes the catch: The next web page that came up said that I had to pay 600 somethings to submit the form. It wasn’t American money, it was some kind of English money with a different symbol than the dollar sign. Now I’m supposed to read British, right?

    Anyway, I found out that it cost $700 and then some to send in my application for a world record. That’s when it struck me: Maybe if I say I’m doing it for a charity they will wave the cost. So, at the bottom of the application I put, “This application is submitted so I can feed the little children of Winters through the Donald Sanders Food for the Little Kids Foundation.” I also made a note that I had to turn down the award of “Citizen of the Year” every year because I wanted to be, so to say, a behind the scenes kind of guy. I want the credit to go to others that deserve it much, much more than me.

    Finally, I got an email from them stating that my application had been denied, stating that just because your name is in some stupid book does not make you a world record holder. However, they would take it under consideration if I could eat 532 Putah Creek frogs. I know that this is impossible because I can eat anything except vegetables and I could only eat six frogs before I got sick. So I decided to go back to writing.

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