• author
    • Kaila Charice

    • November 28, 2014 in Columnists

    Intimate dramas

    AP physics is complicated (I know because I dropped out of it in high school). Relationships are not.

    The word relationship has such heavy undertones. We have relationships with most everyone who enters your life, so why are intimate relationships such a nauseating topic?

    Lately I’ve had little to no sympathy for people who put themselves in stupid intimate situations. Granted, I’ve made my own mistakes, but I like to think I’ve learned from them. Some people apparently never do.

    One of my friends is furious with her ex, who is now “just a friend” because he won’t sleep with her, even casually. I tried to explain to her that it’s because every time he makes a nice friendly gesture, she takes it to the next level. I told her that she can’t go batshit crazy whenever he opens a door for her and expect sex — but she does go crazy, and then she calls me up at midnight crying because he’s casually dating someone she thinks is terrible and he won’t just sleep with her.

    In the short span of time that I’ve been “dating,” I’ve come to realize that an intimate relationship can be described a variety of ways; happy, sensual, awful, painful, exciting… but here’s what I don’t understand: a complicated one.

    Relationships are like elementary math. If you’re a positive influence in my life, I will add you in. If you’re a negative influence, I’ll subtract you out. This goes for friends and intimate relationships. So much in life can be complicated. Feelings are solid… they can change over time, but they’re rooted deep and absolutely are not to be described as complicated. Either you like someone well enough to date them, or you don’t.

    This whole “Oh, I like ——–, but we would never work because X, Y and Z” is stupid. If you like a person, I mean really like a person, then X, Y and Z will work themselves out over time. It just takes effort… something so few people are willing to put in these days.

    If someone wants to see you, they’ll make the time for that to happen.

    I learned that tidbit when I was 23 years old and realized I was putting way too much effort into a situation just so that I could pretend to have someone who cared about me. I stopped, and to this day (two years later) I still get emails from that boy about how he wants to mend things. I have yet to respond to a single one.

    I made a very common mistake that taught me that important life lesson. I know too many people who are in “on and off” relationships because it gives them some measure of satisfaction knowing that they sorta-kinda have someone — who isn’t family — caring about them. All that really does is create a disastrous mental state, and prevents you from reaching out to find something better.

    When people say their relationship status is “complicated,” it means they just haven’t spoken their feelings. It could be out of fear — fear of rejection or fear of ruining something that at the present seems good, or any number of other things. I’ve found it usually circles back to fear.

    There’s nothing to be afraid of. So what if the person you like doesn’t like you? Is the world going to stop spinning? No. At least if you’re honest with a person, you save yourself the wonder.

    Relationships are natural. If putting effort into making someone feel special doesn’t come naturally to you, then you’re probably not with the right person.

    What seems to be “complicated” about relationships and dating these days is knowing what exactly is going on.

    I was chatting with a colleague today about dating, and told her I have a friend who says my standards are from the 1950s because if a guy asks me out to coffee, I don’t consider it a date. I only consider it a date if they ask me out on a date. Yes, they have to say the word.

    My colleague told me that she believes my standard is normal and that a lot of girls these days misconstrue hanging out with a man to be dating and that’s where things get “complicated.” I don’t want to play a guessing game with my love life. This little standard I set simplifies things.

    Lack of communication is what really complicates relationships. Remember that old phrase, “When you assume something, you make an ass out of U and ME?” It applies to dating, except instead of making an ass out of both people, one person usually gets hurt. When you assume you are or are not dating someone without communicating with that person, one of you is going to get hurt.

    Instead of being satisfied with a “complicated” relationship status, why don’t we start talking, eh?

      • White Car

      • November 29, 2014 at 12:03 pm
      • Reply

      Fear, insecurity coupled with indifference along with the word, “commitment” come to mind as I read your post. People often need someone to get them through the day, week, month or year until something they “really want” comes along. Hence the complication, as I see it because of issues surrounding a representation of making a “comittment” of some degree to another person. Even a “date” has become complicated because no one wants to commit to any anything whether its at a coffee shop meeting or dinner/movie.

      Ultimately, you sum it up in one sentence. It is a test one can apply to someone they have or are about to spend time with: “If someone wants to see you, they’ll make the time for that to happen.” It is what people DO not what people say. Talk is cheap as they say. That is what seems to make things UNcomplicated. A desire to give up or commit one’s time on a “frequent basis” to see someone. What is “frequent?” is based on the time a person has available to be social. You can call the committment to time anything you want, “date” “hang out” or Bill. It does not matter. Actions speak louder than words.

    • Most men don’t care for relationship discussions thus we whine, huff and puff, and get angry. Men resent the fact that women are so logical in arguments and discussions thus they say and act in ways that aren’t logical so women are mystified as what the hell men are thinking. That’s exactly it, men don’t think about relationships they just think about sex all the time. If I was a woman I would be a lesbian so I wouldn’t have to put up with men because they are only “3-minute wonders.” You midnight calling friend should pick up a horse whip.

      • Maya North

      • December 4, 2014 at 10:23 pm
      • Reply

      When it’s just a relationship between two people, it can be pretty simple. Add in grown kids, grandchild, property and a lifetime of history and it grows more complex. I am crazy in love with my husband, still, after 29 years. Sometimes I never want to see him again. Leaving would break up a family, create sides that people would take, and on and on. Staying means joy and unendurable frustration. I wish it was simple. Ambivalence sucks…

      • Hannah Sullivan

      • December 16, 2014 at 10:37 am
      • Reply

      I think that every 20 something year old girl needs to read this.

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