• It takes a real man to be a nerd

    Just calling yourself a nerd is blasphemy and sacrilegious as far as I am concerned. If you want your street cred for being a nerd, you need to have some sort of psychological trauma from being teased by assholes. Sucks to be a child I suppose, nerd, or otherwise. I suppose nerds get it worse and I will explain why.

    Nerds are born and created through their expertise, passion, and near-encyclopedic understanding of a topic or several topics. The topics can be anything, including math, science, computers, music, cooking, comic books, language, sexuality and sex, cars, and other areas of knowledge. Even a wide understanding of pop culture could qualify you as a nerd.

    Take your pal Matty-boy for example. I have an understanding of politics and political theory/ideology along with critical theory. I am also well versed in gaming, role playing, spirituality, cooking, music, pop culture, literature  and sports, and on and on I could go, but I want all of you to stop rolling your eyes. Chances are if you are talking about something, I can make a worthwhile contribution to the conversation. I am divine and I shine.  Sometimes it’s more like moonshine.


    Your nerd has the intellectual wherewithal, the passion, and can display that passion. The nerd in question will ultimately suffer for the quest of that knowledge. Sleepless nights, obsessive reading, appearing like a misanthrope, consuming crazy amounts of caffeine,  being pissy (nerd rage), and isolation are some of the byproducts of nerds trying to absorb inhuman amounts of data.

    I was in college and I was in the honor’s colloquium. I had to write a short 10-page paper about a topic of my own choosing. I chose game theory because it’s used in economics, mathematics, biology, international relations, politics and economics.  The short version of game theory is where people use scenarios to see how “rational beings” interact with one another.  Here is a link to a classic trust game called the Prisoner’s Dilemma.

    During a semester in which I had 17 credit hours, plus two honor’s projects, I was president of the Political Science club, there were several flirty women who visited me in the political science club office where I did a Bill Clinton impression, and yeah I also wanted to have a personal life, which was interrupted. Interrupted how? I had to teach myself game theory in my spare time. So I read two books on game theory and took a course at Yale (yes that Yale) so I can sound coherent explaining a complicated topic.

    Let’s say I drank a lot of caffeine, had 14 hour days, I dropped like 20 pounds, and I was getting love from the ladies. It sucks not having money, otherwise I would’ve finished my degree.

    I’m just saying that in my pursuit of knowledge, I had to sacrifice a lot of time from the outside world.  No concerts. No dating. No baseball or football games. You are a student for four months straight. At the end of the semesters, after the first week of not doing anything,  I would get a shooting pain in my back because all the stress would finally ooze out of my pores.

    Yeah, OK, your back hurt. Where is the sacrifice for nerd powers?

    There was this woman in my political ideology class — let’s call her Mary. To say she was beautiful would only understate her. She worked incredibly hard, she was bright, she was funny, curvy, sharp, incredible eyes, incredible breasts, and was very warm to me. Her and I connected so fast that she routinely would greet me in the morning, say “hello, Papi” with her somewhat strong Latina accent, and we would talk about current events here and in her native Puerto Rico. She worked as a loan officer for a small bank in Providence, raised her kids by herself, and was also taking three classes a week. Mary was a real woman. Most women I know couldn’t walk 10 steps in her high heels. Mary was and still is the difference between a chick you date and bang versus a woman you love, date and bang.

    Nerds love sex by the way and you could never top a nerd’s sexual libido.  Ten nymphomaniacs equals one nerd. I have seen and high-fived nerd women who leave men (and women) in the fetal position. Sexual Rambos who need sexual healing.

    Did I mention she worked hard? Did I give enough clues to my dear reader that I at least liked Mary very much?

    I had to sacrifice asking Mary out to gain my nerd powers.

    I will never know what Mary’s mouth tastes like. I will never know what made her smile. I will never know if my dumbass jokes ever truly got a chuckle out of her. Nerds ultimately don’t know how to interact with other people on a high emotional level and suffice it to say in regards to Mary — that ship has sailed.

    She moved on to bigger and better things in Florida. I sit here and write. Yes, we are friends on Facebook but I am afraid that distance is a bit too much and, quite frankly, we had a moment in college and perhaps that is all I was supposed to have.

    One of the curses of being a nerd is that you cannot possibly know everything, much to my chagrin. I know I have limitations and I hate myself for being limited. I hate myself for being a human being. Nerds always think they can do, say, write and read more than they can. Eventually they burn out if they don’t have the friends around them to catch them.

    Go out, have a beer, see a movie, get laid, play Nintendo or Magic the Gathering, or go shoot some Nerf guns. Remember my young Padawan, it takes a real man or woman to be a nerd.

    Lewis and Gilbert from Revenge of the Nerds  Courtesy- justcomedy.com

    Lewis and Gilbert from Revenge of the Nerds
    Courtesy- justcomedy.com

    Hermione Granger from Harry Potter series Courtesy- buzznet.com

    Hermione Granger from Harry Potter series
    Courtesy- buzznet.com

    • Ya, there are a lot of nerds at iPinion and one of them is a big guy! Ha:)

      • Katrinka

      • October 18, 2014 at 5:16 am
      • Reply

      I didn’t embrace my nerdiness until my twenties. I never followed trends or groups. I wore overalls for a large portion of adult life…consumed books instead of going to clubs and found my bees to be the pretend vampires of Vampire of The Masquerade. I have encountered one *Mary* in my life. He gets me in such an intellectual dither,I don’t need him to touch me with even one finger. He just does it for me. His thoughts and feelings get me hot. His opinions and beliefs put me over the edge. Maybe you need to talk to Mary, maybe you need to just try.

    • My son has told me this is not a nerd. This is a geek. If there are one or a few topics that an individual is a walking encyclopedia about than a person would be considered a “gaming geek”, “sports geek”, or “what have you geek”. A nerd on the other hand would have a brilliant IQ, be socially awkward and would probably end up working for NASA. Even in revenge of the nerds, they were not all true nerds, they were really geeks.

      Great column, Matt! 🙂

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