• author
    • Donald Sanders

    • January 4, 2018 in Columnists

    It’s my opportunity to take over

    I figure it’s the perfect time for me to take over the Winters Express! Perfect! I picked up the paper this morning, well it was actually this afternoon because I slept until 12:45 p.m. Anyway, right there on the front page was the headline, “Charley calls it quits.”

    I have to have those little marks around those words or people will think I stole them! Well, for me that means a lot of extra work! Ain’t that some kinda s—?

    When I take over the paper, that’s the first thing I’m gonna do — get rid of all those little marks. We don’t need them, never did, never will! Everybody thinks we need them because if those little marks are around a sentence then everybody thinks the sentence is true. Take for instance the statement, “Donald Sanders is not the most beautiful man in town!”

    With those marks, everyone would think the sentence is true when it is so obviously false.

    Anyhow, old Charley Wallace is leaving his post after being at it for a hundred years or so. When he first started at the paper, he had to walk to work because cars weren’t invented yet. Charlie did however have a driver’s license because he was a newspaper man, so that entitled him to all the inside information from the government that cars would be a normal thing in the next five years or so.

    A hundred years ago, in the “middle ages,” people having that privilege were called Nobles. The rest of us were called “Pee-ons.” I used to be a Pee-on but since I’ve been writing a column for 10 or 15 years, that is no longer the case. Believe me, now that I’m a Noble it won’t be long until I’m “Citizen of the Year!” Once that happens, those people over at Turkovich Wine will have an attitude adjustment when I walk in the door!

    Maybe if I put a spotlight behind me so when I open the door at Turkovich’s, the light of my soul or being, whatever you want to call it, will shine in their eyes and they will think, “This guy is surely worthy of Citizen of the Year!” When they see that I’m now a Noble, I’ll probably get all the free wine I could ever want.

    So, if anyone would like to nominate me for Citizen of the Year, just truck over to the Chamber of Commerce, wherever that is, and simply put my name on the form they have. It’s pretty simple. Not only that, the Chamber of Commerce is where all the babes hang out! Check out the picture of the two babes on page A6. If I was 30 years younger, those babes would be chasing me all over town!

    “Va-Va-Voom! Va-Va-Voom!”

    That’s an expression (term)  the Nobles use when they see a fine looking specimen of a female. Like I always say, “Winters, California has the most beautiful women in the world!” Not only that, but we have the best restaurants, the best hardware store, and we can’t forget the best filling station over at Pisani’s!

    Oh, and music too! Winters has the best music and the best little theater over at the Palms. As a matter of fact, on the evening of January 13 a group of musicians called “Moody Slough” will play at the Palms. They are all locally born and bred genetically for the specific purpose of delightful musical pleasure to your ears. It’s on a Friday night, so you can go to dinner at one of our great restaurants, then check out all the babes, and finally you can undo your belt, let your belly hang out, and listen to Moody Slough.

    What a perfect night!

    I expect to see you all there if you don’t want to get on my list! Oh, you don’t want to get on my list. Well, I would love to write some more essential information for you but I’m going to walk around town and check out the babes.

    Charley, you can clean out my desk.

    Leave a Comment