• It’s Rapture Time Again!

    by Hollye Dexter

    There’s still time to get on the crazy bus!

    Hey everybody – clean out your closets, get your taxes done, confess all your sins and get yourself saved because it’s that time again!

    I know, I know…it seems like only yesterday we were all stocking up on batteries and bottled water for Y2K, and before that Haley’s Comet, and before that 1984…even David Bowie foretold of that one. Time sure flies. But yes, it is that time again, according to Harold Camping of Family Radio. Who is Harold Camping you ask? He’s some guy who a lot of people believe for no apparent reason. Oh sure, he predicted the end of the world in 1994, and of course that didn’t happen, but this time he’s positive. So positive that he’s swindled a lot of people out of a lot of money to put up 2000 billboards all over the country (advertising his radio show and website in the process, of course).

    So, this is it people. Next Saturday, May 21st is the end of the world. I mean, if Harold Camping says so, it must be true, right? He’s got hundreds of people touring the country in buses with megaphones, so that means it’s for real. And you know, there’s been a lot of weird weather patterns and birds dropping out of the sky and earthquakes and tsunamis and…

    Hey wait a minute. Haven’t we always had floods and earthquakes and tsunamis since the beginning of time? Why yes we have. The only thing that’s different now is that we have the internet and the media, letting us know the second something happens, so it seems like things are happening more than they used to. The violent crime rate is also down since the 1970’s – I’ll bet you didn’t know that either. The media just loves to whip people into a fearful frenzy to keep them tuned in, and that’s what Harold camping is…the media. He owns a Christian radio station. Can’t blame the guy, I mean, as a businessman, hell it’s been a tough couple of years, financially speaking. And what could be better for a ratings boost than a good ole “Rapture” campaign? You have to ask yourself, WWTD? (What Would Trump Do?)

    Anyway, just wanted to let you all know what was up so you could mark your calendars. What are you guys wearing to the Rapture anyway? I’m having such a hard time choosing. Oh and on the outside chance that the world doesn’t end next Saturday, there’s gonna be a rockin’ worldwide party on Sunday. See ya there?

    Actually, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that May 21 is not the end of the world. How do I know, you ask? Because there are three Oprah shows left on May, 23, 24 and 25. Now, had Camping said the world was ending on May 25th at 4 pm…I may have believed him.

    • haha!
      so funny.
      Yes, maybe if Oprah had confirmed a rapture, we’d all be creating rapture shelters (impeccably designed rapture shelters). But Harold Camping? Pft.

      I have to say, only .2% of me thinks there could possibly be a rapture, and that .2% is pissed that I’m in Honduras right now and not with my friends when I die. But the 99.8% is really happy! Off to the beach!

    • Ha ha Laurenne. My daughter is in Israel, so she said she’ll probably take a golden staircase straight up from Jerusalem. I’m in L.A., so I expect to be stuck on the 405.

    • Hollye, this is a great piece of writing. You know being on the west coast we get hit last so we can see what is ahead. I am such a non believer this makes me nuts. Giving away money to a charlatan reminds me of the old days when people sold oil that cured you (oh wait that is still happening today). Okay well some charlatans are good I guess just not Camping and his Christian radio and family values shows. See you all on Ipinion on Sunday for your new articles and stories.

      • Astonia

      • May 18, 2011 at 10:32 am
      • Reply

      Well thank god it is on a Saturday, I would hate to have to miss work and pull my son out of school for another “false” rapture!

    • Hollye, if the sun doesn’t come out soon here in NoCal, I’m HOPING for the rapture. If the sun won’t come to spring, then spring will rise up and embrace the sun! I think the forecast is for a clear day, however, so we can watch oprah with the sun a-shining post rapture. Ahhhh. Great piece, thanks!

      • Ana F.

      • May 18, 2011 at 11:41 am
      • Reply

      Oh my. I don’t know you but, I think I love you.

    • HAHAHA! If Oprah didn’t approve it – it ain’t happening! And I think I’ll wear leather and stilettos! 😀
      Lovely column!

      • Judy

      • May 18, 2011 at 7:08 pm
      • Reply

      I’m on the Radical Fairy list serve (my past research), and I’m telling you that those guys and gals are going to party on Friday night like there’s no tomorrow. So don’t forget those pre-rapture parties. You’ll be needing leather and stilettos for them too!

    • I’m with Judy. I’m not worried at all-I’m Catholic! As long as I have a second or so before I die I can ask for forgiveness and be absolved of all sin. No, not worried. Judy, I don’t have any leather and what is a stiletto.

    • I love “the media loves to whip people into a fearful frenzy to keep them tuned in.” Is that ever the truth. I also love how much you are crazy for Oprah. The ending was perfect.
      Dang,it can’t be the end of the world on the 21st. I’m having a garage sale! Well written, Hollye.

      • Georgie Scarpato

      • May 19, 2011 at 7:52 am
      • Reply

      Well I have to work Saturday….so anything that will get me out of it is much appreciated. Where the hell is the guy formally known as PRINCE when you need him?? Anywho……LOVE your thoughts and humor…just love it, and you…brilliant!!!!!!!!!!!

    • I know, we’ve been planning the day for weeks…months! It’s so great to get a heads-up and all. And thank God this crisis doesn’t require all that exhausting stocking up of stuff. We’ll just, you know, not exist anymore. I think a birthday suit is the best call on this one, no?

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