• author
    • Kelvin Wade

      Columnist
    • July 19, 2015 in Columnists

    It’s time for some mental floss

    I know you’re used to me writing about police brutality, race relations, politics, suicide and other weighty topics. Sometimes there are other things on my mind that may not warrant an entire column but deserve some kind of mention. Consider this me cleaning out my mental closet.

    Have you ever noticed that when you have a letter or text (You shouldn’t be texting and driving!) that you want to read while driving that you can never hit a red light? But if you’re late for your destination you’re going to hit every single light.

    There’s similar muckery when it comes to supermarket checkout lanes. Either a line will look like a buffet line with a gang of people angrily waiting to be checked out or you’ll luck out and find a checkout with only one person in front of you. But of course that one person will have some kind of problem that takes forever.

    And am I the only one who finds two seemingly even checkout lanes, enters one but keeps my eye on the other line to see if I would’ve gotten to the counter faster?

    I either do that or pass the time thinking about cartoon characters and wondering why some are clothed and some are naked and some are in-between. Bugs Bunny is naked. That’s cool. No one trips. But Porky Pig wears a blazer and bow tie but no pants (giving birth to the concept of “Porky Piggin’ it” i.e. wearing a top with no bottom.) With Porky wearing that jacket and tie, it implies that he knows that he should be covered up. So is he flashing us? If he is he’s failing because when we look at his smooth pink nether regions we see that Porky is microscopically endowed. There’s nothing to see there. Th-th-that’s all folks!

    And this topic is not complete without mentioning the fact that a dog like Goofy wears clothes yet Pluto is completely nude. However, as pointed out in the 1986 film “Stand By Me,” there’s still debate on what exactly Goofy is. But that should have no bearing on the fact that whatever he is he feels the need to be clothed.

    While I’m waiting in that impossibly long checkout line I’ll sometimes see a display of Coca-Cola bottles. You know that Coke promotion with people’s names on the bottles? So I’m looking for my name on one (Yeah, right!) when it dawned on me that Coke has just made sure that the soda you buy will have been handled by three or four dozen people before you drink it. I imagine some guy in the bathroom scratching; failing to wash his stinky fingers and lumbering to the display touching all of those Coke bottles with sticky pubic hairs on his fingertips.

    Which brings me to Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas… Actually, I don’t have anything to say about Uncle Thomas except the pubic hair and the Coke in the previous paragraph just reminded me of him for some reason.

    YouTube, I understand that you place ads before some videos to make money for the site and the content providers. That’s cool. I’ll even thank you for allowing us to skip some ads after five seconds. That works. But when I go to YouTube to watch a movie trailer, why do you pop up an ad? A movie trailer is an ad.

    A word to all the rappers out there, using the same word twice doesn’t count as rhyming to me. Anyone can do that.

    When it comes to music for the most part I’m old school. I’d rather listen to the Isley Brothers, Lenny Williams, Marvin Gaye or Stevie Wonder singing about love than some wannabe contemporary R&B singer singing about sex. But recently I picked up Trey Songz CD “Trigga” from the library. He’s got skillz and it’s got some phat beats that give my little 50-watt Pioneer car stereo a workout. My rear view mirror vibrates and my head is nodding so that’s all good.

    My big problem with the music is that, aside from the fact that I don’t think it will stand the test of time, after listening to an hour of songs about drinking and sexin’, hoes, booty calls, lying to your girlfriend’s face about cheating and even chastising a girl for cheating on her boyfriend when she’s cheating with YOU, I pick up the liner notes from the CD and the first thing he says is he wants to thank his Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Really, ninja? Really?

    But worse than that is the Internet. I hate the Internet because it makes you waste time on stupid stuff. This morning I was in the shower chuckling to this fake news story that R. Kelly blasted Bill Cosby for being a perv or something. From R. Kelly I started thinking about the late R&B singer Aaliyah, (who R. Kelly secretly married when he was 27 and she was 15.) Then one of my favorite tunes of hers, “Are You That Somebody?” popped into my head. The song famously features a baby cooing. So I thought, “Who was that baby?” So I got out of the shower, grabbed my smartphone and consulted the oracle, Google, which told me the baby was used in the 1966 song “Countdown to 6” by Perrey and Kingsley and also used in Prince’s “Delirious.” So I googled “Countdown to 6” and it just led me to a sound effects record that featured a clip called “happy baby.” And that’s where the trail ran cold and I suddenly snapped to and realized I’d just wasted precious minutes of my life that meant absolutely nothing.

    And now I’ve wasted yours.


      • Madgew

      • July 19, 2015 at 6:30 am
      • Reply

      Your words are never wasted on me. I love to read what you have to say.


      • Maya Spier Stiles North

      • July 19, 2015 at 1:55 pm
      • Reply

      I hear you on all of it. I am also tired of songs about f*cking. Really, really tired of them. Shakespeare, as bawdy an author as ever lived, is shuddering in his grave.



    • It’s like a trip inside your head… 😀



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